Praying for ya! But, I hope this lengthy discourse will help you understand the role of medication.
Red - taking the medication is something that is your choice about doing or not. My dad faced a similar decision with his wife back in 1940. They had just had triplets to go with their 18 month-old at home. She was getting septic and there was a new medication to treat her that they together chose not to use and to trust God instead. You must understand: there is a risk with any medication in that an allergic shock due to it can be deadly, In no way did God let my dad and his first wife down, but she was buried the next week. You see, God has provided for all of our healing in the redemptive work of Christ on the cross. All of us are subject to the effects of the fall in that we suffer the consequences of the choice Adam & Eve made in the Garden. In no way am I an authority, but my biblical study has lead me to believe that these substances we call medications are part of the healing God allows us to have which is based in the redemptive work of Christ. He is the real source of all healing! Yet, it is our choice to accept or not to accept what God has provided for us as my father learned and passed on to his family.
Allow me to make a comparison I think is valid. All of us in this guild are Christians by our own statement, but we have many wide and varied beliefs that fall under this common profession of Christ being our Savior. Yet, in these wide and varied beliefs are differences of opinion about what our diet should consist. Some of us see over-eating as certainly tempting God in an improper manner. Others of us see any alcoholic beverage consumption as being anathema - sin at its worst. Still yet others see our diet as a total non-factor in our following God. I personally will not fault any of my brothers or sisters in Christ on their dietary habits. That is based upon their relationship with our heavenly Father. I will not fault your choice in medication, but I can assure you, just as God showed Peter in his dream that there are no differences in Jew and Gentile, that they both needed a cure for sin as they need food for sustenance. Still, the New Testament church leadership came to the conclusion that diet of itself is of no consequence, but, that they wished the Gentiles would refrain from blood. Although my diet in no way consists of meat that is killed by Old Testament manner of bleeding to death, I will not knowingly consume blood orally. Yet, I believe that it is a good idea and not without disregard to our Lord's instruction to receive a blood transfusion when needed. Still, I cannot fault someone for believing different than I in this matter of diet. The apostle Paul warned us not to let our freedom in Christ to become a stumbling block to other Christians. Paul used diet as example of comparison in 1 Corinthians 8. Where some would take offence, it is my responsibility to not lead them into turning to sin since they perceived I was turning to sin. Does this mean there are many paths to God? Absolutely not! Does this mean that the differences between Baptists and Methodists matter? In the long run, no. But, if my beliefs in some issues of faith do not correlate with another's, it does not mean one of us has totally missed on knowing Christ as our personal savior. We still embrace the same basic tenants of Christianity - there is only one way to God and that is through Christ Jesus! There is a little more that I would die for, but as to whether or not belonging to a certain denomination of church is the way to heaven, I cannot lay my life on the line - especially my eternal life.
Having worked all of my life in the world of medicine and surgery, I can reassure you that medicine is legitimate and in no way related to any pagan religion. Rather, its source is in concern for the well being of other human beings. And just as an ox should not be muzzled while treading out the grain (a reference in 1 Corinthians 9 explaining the commandment of Deuteronomy 25:4), people in medicine should be paid in accordance with the value of their work. So yes, medicine has a price. Going beyond that, this medication is something which God has provided us for our benefit. And God paid the price for our healing in the vicarious (taking our place individually) suffering of Christ. Modern medicine would have no value without that work of Christ. Just as Christ is the cosmic glue that holds this universe together, Christ is the source of all healing.
There are some side effects that we must deal with in the treatment of disease processes. The treatment for some cancers risk the patient's life just to allow them a few more years on earth. Yet, morally and ethically, our society deems this a necessary risk to be taken and so we allow it. There is a cost to anything worthwhile in life and heaven knows how to set its price. I know there is and has been a popular movement that says the best things in life are free, but I strongly disagree. Even in the matter of personal salvation, God's Word instructs us to take up our cross and follow Christ (Matthew 10:38 and Mark 8:34 are just two references). Even love is never free - its cost is often in heartache and personal suffering.
In suffering from a bipolar or other condition, there is a genuine source of the problem which no amount of voodoo or other useless, pagan practice will handle. Clinical depression is from a chemical missing that God has allowed us the knowledge to recognize and to replace with one that is synthesized - it is man made. Yet, I assure you, it has the source of its work in Christ and his work. Without Christ, there would be no hope of ever recovering from illness or injury of any kind. Medication would be pointless consumption of dirt - even more so since eating dirt is a symptom of a low level of an essential mineral.
Out of concern for your own well being, as well as that of your family, I would beg of you to please take the medication. What you are exhibiting by not wanting to take medication is actually a part of the disease process of the bipolar individual. You need to overcome that by accepting it and allowing what God has provided for you to work. It may seem strange to you, but it is essential for your and your family's well being. Yes, there are side affects, but, is the cost of sacrificing your family and its well being greater than cost of the side affects? Personally, I would pay almost any price - short of denying my Lord - to save my family or to keep it from suffering to a point of horrid damage to its members. I am certain that you would not purposefully take your family into a situation that would threaten its very existence. Please take this matter to the Lord in prayer and reconsider your decision about the use of medication.
To quote another source, it is not what happens to us in life that is important and matters: it is what we do with it. A gambler would say it is not the cards you are dealt, it is how you play them.
In case you ask why I am making such a passionate plea and such a big deal over a medication, I understand what you are going through and realize the danger of allowing a bipolar condition to run its course. It is certainly a real threat to your family and your self. My own family bears the scars from the same illness and many of us suffer from its side effects to this day. Your decision on medication is not one that will only take a toll on you; rather, it will affect each person who cares for you. Christ can see you through it, but take advantage of what he has provided for you. And being bipolar, it takes a lot to sway you about what you have decided.
God is faithful.
