Popoki's Blues

SamIam

SamIam

New Member
It was a typical evening in the Redeemed’s Guild Hall. Members began straggling in, seeking respite from the constant struggle against the forces of Destruction. Serdoc, Kutluch and Samette were studying maps of the current battlefields and discussing new strategies in hopes of turning the tide of war. Zeb was tinkering with his mechanical contraptions. Sam was well on his way to filling his hollow leg with Bugman’s Finest while recounting the tale of Kadrin Stoutheart to any who would listen. Few would and few did. In fact, only the hapless Hopeful and Faithful were unlucky enough to be cornered by the old battered Ironbreaker.

“…’Course, nowadays we just be callin’ it Kadrin Valley. But long ago, it be known as Kadrin’s Valley. It be named after me great, great, thrice removed grandsire’s nephew’s cousin-“

“Wouldn’t that make him your great, great, twice removed grandsire?” interrupted Durruck. Oh, did I forget to mention he was at the guild hall as well? My apologies. Yes, he was there. As was his wife, Ambriana. Durruck was admiring his “robe” in the hall’s single full-length mirror. Ambriana was primping her coiffeur with one hand while trying to shove Durruck out of the way with the other.

“-on me mother’s side,” finished Sam. He had become quite adept at ignoring Durruck. In fact, most in the guild had developed that necessary skill. Otherwise, his cooing and trilling every time he moved would drive one to drink. Excessively. Sam raised his stein and chugged more of Bugman’s Finest. He belched, used his long beard to wipe the foam from his great mustache and continued.

“Now, then. A reg’ment o’ greenies be marchin’ up the vale, ye see, on their way to our fortress. An’ off to their left, ‘pon a wee hillock, stood me grandsire, Kadrin, bold as ye please.”

Durruck, having heard the tale countless times- well, countless times plus one- rolled his eyes. “I be Kadrin Stoutheart! Send up yer best to meet me in battle,” whispered Durruck mockingly.

“’I be Kadrin Stoutheart!’” Sam bellowed. “’Send up yer best to be meetin’ me in battle,’ he said. An’ so the greenies sent up the biggest Choppa they did have. Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight. An’ then comes the Choppa’s head rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump.”

Durruck hip-checked Ambriana and shoved his way in front of the mirror. “I be Kadrin Stoutheart! Send up yer two best to be meetin’ me in battle,” he whispered again. Mockingly again.

“’I be Kadrin Stoutheart!’” Sam belched. “’Send up yer two best to be meetin’ me in battle,’ he said. An’ so the greenies sent up their two bestest, biggest Choppas they did have. Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight. An’ then comes both Choppa’s heads rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump.”

Ambriana was far from ready to concede the epic struggle for the mirror. She snatched Durruck’s long flowing sleeve and began twisting and wadding the silken material. Durruck gasped in horror and reached around to stop her. Sensing he was off balance, Ambriana let go of the Durruck’s sleeve, grabbed his arm and yanked over and down. The rest of Durruck soon followed and he found himself in a crumpled heap on the floor. He entirely forgot to continue his mocking. Ambriana, smirking victoriously, continued spiking her new-found hair in front of the mirror that she had so cleverly liberated from her oppressive husband.

Oblivious to these goings on, Sam whetted his whistle and continued his tale. “’I be Kadrin Stoutheart!’” Sam bellowed. “’Send up yer best squad to be meetin’ me in battle,’ he said. An’ so the greenies sent up their best squad o’ Choppas they did have. Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight. An’ then comes heads o’ the squad, rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump.”

Durruck picked himself up, all in a huff. His new “robe” was a wrinkled mess. It was nearly ruined! Adrenaline began coursing through his veins. He began seeing red. Bright Wizard red. Bright Wizard red hair, to be precise. He grabbed it. He pulled it. It shrieked in pain. Well, the human it was attached to shrieked in pain.

Hopeful and Faithful looked on worriedly. They wanted to intervene, but they were trapped in the corner by Sam and did not want to be rude and interrupt his story. Little did they know that Sam would have been perfectly content to tell the remainder of his story to the wall behind them.

“’I be Kadrin Stoutheart!’” Sam bellowed. “’Send up yer best comp’ny to be meetin’ me in battle,’ he said. An’ so the greenies sent up their best comp’ny o’ Choppas they did have. Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight. An’ then comes heads o’ the whole comp’ny, rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump.”

It was at this precise moment that Popoki entered the hall, tears streaming down her pale cheeks. She ignored Sam and his audience. She ignored Durruck’s and Ambriana’s wrestling match in front of the mirror. She didn’t, however, ignore Samette, her best friend and confidant. Popoki threw her arms around Samette and sobbed on her shoulder.

“Oh, Sammie,” cried Popoki. “My life is over. I cannot bear it any longer.”

“No, don’t say that,” Samette replied consolingly. “What great sorrow darkens your soul so completely that you would free it from its worldly abode?”

“I am tired of being a loner, Sammie,” Popoki sniffled. “I am lonely. I want a husband that will care for me. One that will not be intimidated when I pounce upon an unsuspecting witch elf and disembowel her with my axe. One that sees me as a woman and not a hunt-“

“You’re a girl?” Durruck asked incredulously.

“You’re a girl?” Ambriana echoed.

Durruck felt his wife’s grip slacken. He decided now would be an opportune time to extricate himself from this losing battle. He stood up and looked at himself in the mirror and then back at Popoki. “You’re a girl?” he repeated. “Are you sure?” He looked at himself in the mirror again. “But…but…we look the same,” Durruck observed. One thing that Durruck didn’t observe was Sam choking on his ale. Nor the foam bubbling out his nose.

Popoki glared at Durruck. Just when Sammie thought her friend was about to pounce on the witless archmage, Popoki broke down in another fit of tears. “You see?” she sobbed. “Even my friends think I’m a man. How can I ever hope to sink my claws into one?”

“There, there, lass,” Sam consoled between coughs. “Ye can always be borrowin’ one o’ Durruck’s dresses. Most menfolk be findin’ them rather fetchin’.”

“Papa, enough of that!” admonished Samette.

“Papa?” Durruck asked incredulously.

“Papa?” Ambriana echoed.

“Yes, Papa,” replied Sam defensively. “Didn’t ye be knowin’ tha’ she be me daughter?” Belch.

“But…but…she’s an elf. And…and…you’re a dwarf!” Durruck objected.

“An’…an’… ye be a-“ Sam’s heated reply was cut short by Samette.

“None of that, you two!” scolded Samette. “Popoki is in need of your compassion, not your petty bickering.”

Zeb cleared his throat. “I be knowin’ a gnome in the Eastern Kingdoms tha’ be an accomplished body sculptor. Mayhap he could be …ummm…helpin’ by addin’ a few more curves in the proper places.”

That was the last straw for poor, distraught Popoki. She fled the guild hall, tears streaming behind her that were matched only by her wails of sorrow. “My life shall end ‘ere morning’s light.”

“I wish I could cry like that,” Ambriana sighed.

Samette chased after her friend, fearing what Popoki might do while consumed by her grief. But it was an exercise in futility. Popoki had leaped high onto the rooftops and sped away in the night, leaving behind a very worried friend. Samette raced back to the guild hall to gather help in searching for Popoki.

She entered the hall just as Sam was about to continue his tale. “Now where be me in me tellin’ o’ Kadrin?” Belch. “Ah, yes. ’I be Kadrin Stoutheart! Send up yer best reg’ment to be meetin’ me in battle…”

Samette skidded to a halt. “Our friend and companion is in need,” she said loud enough for all to hear. “We must go in search of her ‘ere she ends her life. Who is with me?”

“…Now, Duh Big Un be mightily upset that his best o’ the best be killed. So he did tell his entire reg’ment to charge up yon wee hillock…” Sam continued his tale, oblivious of the goings on around him.

Hopeful and Faithful saw their chance to escape. “We shall help. Please, let us help. Please.”

Soon enough all had stepped up to help find their friend. All, that is, except one particular dwarf.

“…Steel did meet steel as they be fightin’. Soon ‘nuff the battle be carried behind the hillock an’ outta sight…” Belch.

“Durruck, I beseech you to accompany me upon this endeavor,” Samette said. “I am near certain that I know where Popoki shall be, yet I fear we may arrive too late.”

“…An’ then be comin’ a few o’ the greenie’s heads rollin’ down the wee hillock, bumpitty-bump…”

Durruck nodded. Man or woman, it mattered not to him. Popoki was his friend too. If Durruck could help bring him- uh, her- to her senses, then he would gladly do so. Samette quickly assigned places for the others to search, and then dashed out the door.

“…Duh Big Un did be turnin’ grey wi’ anger watchin’ the heads rollin’ down…”

Everyone ran for the door, knowing that time was of the essence. Durruck sidled up next to Zeb as they left the hall. “About that body sculptor…”

“…Then a greenie be runnin’ down the hill yellin’, ‘Run! Run fuh yer livez! Der ar too uv ‘em!’” Sam guffawed. His rumbling laughter echoed through the empty hall. “Oh, that story do be gettin’ funnier ev’ry time I be tellin’ it.” Belch.

To Be Continued.
 
Popoki's Blues
Conclusion

Samette landed on the Flight Master’s platform in Caledor. She quickly unbuckled the harness and dashed toward the stables. She hoped beyond all hope that she correctly surmised Popoki’s locale. Time would tell, but Samette feared that it was short as well; perhaps too short. She reached the stables and hurriedly began saddling a horse.

Durruck arrived at Caledor’s war camp seconds behind Samette. He swayed off the Flight Master’s platform hugging himself, an ecstatic smile spread from ear to ear. “Ooh, I absolutely love those gyrocopters. They make my silken robes flutter so sensuously across my entire body.”

“Make haste, friend Durruck,” Samette pleaded. “For Popoki’s life hangs by but a thread, yet time looms overhead, a lethally sharp knife poised to sever her earthly bonds.”

By the time Durruck staggered into the stables, Samette had two horses saddled and was leading them out. The duo mounted and galloped eastward. The cool predawn air rushed past the riders, blowing their long hair behind them. And fluttering silken “robes.”

“Mmm, galloping on a horse is almost as delicious as riding a gyrocopter,” Durruck opined.

The two elves continued eastward, racing the morning’s first light to Popoki. The sky was lightening. Dull shadows began taking shape, forming into trees, bushes, deer, and other wildlife. There was a clearing ahead atop the cliffs of Caledor. The cliff overlooked the keep Wrath’s Resolve, the evil, foreboding stronghold of the Dark Elves. At the cliff’s edge, sitting upon her horse, was Popoki. She stared melancholically down at the keep. Her horse began prancing nervously, trying to back away from the precipice.

“Popoki! Stop!” beseeched Samette as she skidded to a halt next to her friend.

Now, some readers may not have believed that Samette was truly Sam’s daughter. After all, as Durruck so eloquently pointed out, Samette is an elf while Sam is a dwarf. However, if one ever spent time with the two of them together, one would clearly see the resemblance. Allow me to elucidate, since I eschew obfuscation at every opportunity. First, and most obvious, are their names; Sam and Samette. They both have white hair, both have ten fingers and toes, and they both wear pants. Less obvious, however, is their cleverly sharp and, if I do say so myself, ingenious wit. Being sharp, said wit could cut to the bone, easily slicing through the thickest of skins. Like now, for instance- although Durruck would absolutely faint if someone accused his creamy white skin of being thick. Oh, and one last thing they shared: bad timing.

Samette had been pondering what she could say to Popoki when she found the poor distraught elf. But, seeing her friend at the cliff edge, mere seconds from plunging to her doom, Samette’s mind went blank. It was nearly as empty as the top of Ambriana’s head. Well, empty as it used to be, back when she was wearing her hat. Samette sat upon her horse, thinking. And nothing was happening. Then Durruck skidded to a stop next her, his horse ever so slightly nudging hers. Said nudge also nudged an idea into Samette’s misfiring frontal lobe. It was a bad idea, hindsight being what it is and all, but it was the only one she had.

“All is not lost, dear friend. If Durruck could find someone desperate enough to marry him, surely you can find a man to-“ her words were cut short, drowned out by an earsplittingly loud crack! The cliff’s edge lurched sending the horses into a frenzied panic. The ground lurched again and then fell out from beneath them.

The horses screamed in panic, rolling their eyes, flailing their legs at the empty air.

Samette screamed in panic, rolling her eyes, flailing her arms and legs at the empty air.

Popoki laughed joyfully. “Free! I’m free at last!”

Durruck did what Durruck always does when his silken robes fluttered. “This is way better than a gyrocopter!” he trilled in delight.

Far below, the evil walls of Wrath’s Resolve loomed ever closer. The ground was hurtling toward them at terminal velocity. In my never-ending quest to eschew any and all obfuscation, allow me to assist those readers who are discombobulated by the term “terminal velocity.” Read it as “really, really fast.”

The horses continued to scream. Samette continued to scream. Popoki continued to laugh. Durruck continued to do what Durruck always does when his silken robes fluttered.

Finally, after what seemed like hours of freefall, the walls of the keep were nearly in reach. Samette scrunched her eyes closed, not wanting to see the final impact. Popoki nearly drooled with anticipation, her pain and suffering nearing its end. Durruck continued to do what Durruck always does when his silken robes fluttered. Then, just before they hit the outer wall, a miraculous thing happened. An enormously strong updraft rushed up the wall and met the trio. It blew and blew until it slowed their meteoric decent and gently deposited them safely upon the ground!

Popoki, overcome with grief, passed out. Samette, overcome with joy, passed out. Durruck, overcome with endorphins, passed out. But, not before he muttered, “Wow. Let’s do that again!”

What about the horses, you ask? Well, they passed out too. What? You don’t believe me? All I can say is that my story is not yet finished and our trio of elves is still in need of mounts; therefore, they conveniently passed out as well. So there.

Popoki was the first to regain consciousness. She sat despondently upon the dusty, sun-baked earth and cried. She couldn’t even kill herself. Was there anything that she could do properly? Despair turned to frustration, which turned to anger. She jumped up, mounted a conveniently conscious horse and sped away toward Dark Elf territory.

It just so happened that Samette and Durruck regained consciousness just in time to see Popoki galloping off. They, too, mounted conveniently conscious equines and gave chase. Over the river Popoki fled. Through the woods Samette and Durruck sped (I’m a poet, and yes, I know it). But, to grandmother’s house they did not go. No, instead Popoki led them to a Dark Elf village that was guarded by the legendary and deadly Uthorin Guards.

Popoki leaped off her horse and pounced toward a guard. She fully expected the legendary guard to shoot her out of the air. But he didn’t. He didn’t even so much as blink. Popoki landed next to the guard and buried her war axe deep in his neck. The guard collapsed like a rag doll. Popoki was amazed. Dumbfounded. On the edge of insanity.

“No! You’re supposed to kill me! Not the other way around!” she shrieked hysterically. Amazingly, another Uthorin guard ran out to take his fallen comrade’s place. Even more amazingly, this new guard ignored Popoki, too. Filled with raging despair, she swung her mighty axe at the guard, cleaving him in twain.

“This cannot be! You are Uthorin Guards. You’re supposed to be indestructible!” she screamed. Again, another guard ran out of the village. At her wit’s end, Popoki simply ignored the third guard and began walking back to the tree line where Samette and Durruck just arrived. Well, you know what they say about the third time…

Popoki had only taken two steps when she lurched to a stop. Her eyes grew bright, her lips sprouted a smile. Just as the poisonous crossbow bolt sprouted from her chest. Popoki collapsed to the ground. Blood and black venom seeped into the earth. “At last,” she whispered with her last remaining strength. “Blessed peace, at last.”

Popoki’s spirit slowly rose into the air. Joyous peace enveloped her, caressed every fiber of her spirit. Contentment. Harmony. Tranquility. Serenity. All horribly shattered by two simple words.

“Rez incoming,” shouted Durruck.



Epilogue

Durruck and Ambriana stood upon the cliff overlooking Wrath’s Resolve. Morning’s light started to peek over the eastern horizon, painting the land in long, sharp shadows.

“This is where we fell, Ambri,” Durruck pointed out. “It was amazingly delicious. A truly special moment that I absolutely must share with you.”

Ambriana leaned forward over her horses head and stared down at the distant keep. Ever the thrill seeker, her eyes gleamed with anticipation. “Okay, Durruck, let’s do it.” Ambriana gathered the reins and was about to kick her horse into motion when Durruck stopped her.

“No, no. Not from here,” Durruck said. “Move to the left a little. It is quite thrilling. But one of us may panic and start flailing around like a scared little school girl. I cannot bear the thought of seeing you with a black eye. That’s it, just a little more to the left. There. That’s good. Now on the count of three…”

Even Durruck knew how to count to three. Even if it did take a couple tries. When he finally reached it, they both jumped off the cliff. Ambriana yelled and whooped in excitement as she flew through the air, loving every second of the fall. Well, every second except the last, but we’ll get to that one in due time. Durruck, on the other hand, did what Durruck always does when his silken robes fluttered.

Soon enough, Durruck was caught up in the violent updraft and gently floated to the ground. He hugged himself as the euphoric high of fluttering silk dissipated. He continued to hug himself, longer than normal.

A little to his left, a little too far to his left, Ambriana notice that Durruck was still hugging himself. Longer than normal, in fact. She then realized that the grin he sported was not his norm. It was a grin of eager, evil, anticipation. At that moment, a split second before she hit the ground and bounced, twice, Ambriana knew that Durruck had tricked her.

Legend has it that when one is faced with certain death, glimpses of one’s life are the last things to pass before your eyes. But the legend is wrong. The last thing to pass before your eyes is the back of your head. Just ask Ambriana.

* * *

Durruck stood in front of the full-length mirror mounted in the guild hall, lovingly caressing its smooth silvery surface. It was early afternoon and the hall was empty except for the archmage. Even had the hall been full, no one could have heard what Durruck whispered under his breath. “It’s is mine. My precioussss.”
 
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Woot! Second word in the third sentence!

Very amusing, I got a good laugh when Durruck said "You're a girl?" "Are you sure?" "But...but... we look the same."
 
Ambryana said:
LoL loved this one too! Now I have to ask - when do I get rezzed and take revenge on Durruck?
Click to expand...

Guilo will come by and give you a rez, he's sick of that ugly mirror in the middle of the Guild Hall and knows you wanted it in the corner, but Durruck yells, screams, and throws a fit whenever anyone tries to move it.:D
 
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