One Shot: "Acid Arrow"

Kendrik

Moderator
Staff member
Copypasta from my blog:

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve been reading up on the mechanics of Pathfinder Roleplaying Game and the current playtest build of Dungeons and Dragons Next. First of all, I need more local friends with whom I could play these most awesome of games. Secondly, I’ve had this mythology building in my head for the last year, and I’d like to adapt it into Pathfinder-compatible materials even though the mythology will probably be considerably different from Pathfinder's official mythology.

Finally, though I’m skipping over any number of numbered points I’d make in relation to my recent game rule readings, I’ve had this scene involving the acid arrow spell playing in my head for the last week or more. I’m hoping writing down this little dramatized moment will help me clear it from my mind to start creating other, more exciting story bits.

Without further delay, here is “Acid Arrow.”

-Kenny


A few braziers and held torches lit an otherwise dark catacomb. The room was spacious apart from its low ceiling, with a large open area in the middle of the chamber. Books, scrolls, and arcane contraptions rested on a simple table at the far end of the room, clearly not one of the catacomb’s original and ornate features.

“You’ve come to this place of the dead expecting what exactly if not death?” questioned the necromancer known simply as Blacktongue to the locals. Her voice was soft and calming, belying the malice implied in her words.

“In Morloth’s name, we will bring rest to those you’ve disturbed with your foul magics, witch!” answered Liana, a human cleric and servant of the benevolent god of death. Though her words were familiar, they carried the conviction and assurance that only a truly devoted and battle-tested cleric could convey.

“And take yer pretty head while we’re at it!” added Gunthar Stormhammer, an especially fiery-tempered dwarf. He readied his warhammer, bouncing it in his hand in an effort to intimidate the necromancer.

“Indeed,” Blacktongue coolly remarked. She took to smirking. “You adventurers are all so quaint. A skeleton is spotted near the town and suddenly the witch hunt begins. I can raise the dead; do you really think I cannot, will not add to their numbers?”

Gunthar had enough. He charged across the room at Blacktongue, shouting fiercely in his rage.

“Halt!” commanded the necromancer. Mere feet from her, the dwarf found himself stopped dead in his tracks, utterly unable to move.

Liana uttered a short prayer. “Morloth, give us your aid and demonstrate that you share power over death with no one.”

“A pity,” started Blacktongue. “The last group had five in all. You have only two. And you,” turning her focus to the cleric, “will not even make a pretty trophy for my collection.” Her effort to undermine Liana’s mental readiness lacking any form of subtlety. “I would not even need to summon my servants to deal with you pathetic lot, but it is so much more entertaining to watch the dead tear at the living.”

With this, the necromancer began moving her arms about in the air, muttering words in a language unknown to Liana and Gunthar. A shadow formed around her.

Though he did not realize it immediately, the dwarf was released from his mystical captivity when Blacktongue’s focused turned to working her dark art.

The sound of bones moving without flesh began to fill the hall. Gunthar saw skeletons moving from their resting places in the walls and straight for him, his eyes widening with horror before narrowing in fury.

“Gunthar, move!” Liana shouted. She thrust her holy symbol forward toward the dwarf and cast a ward of protection on him.

The dwarf swung his hammer in a wide arc, too soon to hit any of the skeletons, and leapt back toward Liana. “Where is that bloody elf ye hired?” he demanded of the cleric.

“Waiting for the right moment,” a disembodied voice responded, “to strike!” In an instant, an exploding ball of fire appeared in the middle of the gathering group of skeletons. When the light faded, a robed elf was all that remained in its place; the skeletons had been destroyed entirely.

“How about striking a little sooner next time, elf,” grunted Gunthar, unwilling to admit that he was impressed by and grateful for the sorcerer’s intervention. “And spare us the theatrics.”

“And need I remind you that we are here to give the dead their rest, not add to their agitation, Exanti?” chided Liana.

Exanti chuckled. “You’ve paid me to do a job, and I will do it,” retorted the elf. “Let me worry about the how, love.” Exanti was an unusually smug elf with an excessive love for the dramatic. His arrogance was not without some justification, however, as he was an exceptionally gifted sorcerer.

“Ooh. This is a pleasant surprise,” Blacktongue chimed in, the shadow that once obscured her gone again. “I’ve heard of you, Exanti. This could be much more fun than expected. And don’t worry, the fun has only begun.”

More of the undead shuffled. Half a dozen skeletons from their resting places were joined by the heavily armored corpse of a recently killed adventurer.

“Dwarf, tend to the armored one,” barked the sorcerer. “Cleric, give the others the rest you speak of.”

“I’ll be taking no orders from ye, elf!” Gunthar shot back. “But, seeing as he’s the mightiest foe in the room, I will not turn down the opportunity to send him back to his death.”

Liana simply nodded in agreement before raising her holy symbol high and beginning another prayer.

“I suppose that you mean to deal with me yourself, Exanti?” asked Blacktongue, expecting no answer. “How charming.”

“I suppose so,” Exanti responded. He angled his body such that his left shoulder faced the necromancer. His right arm reached over his shoulder and plucked at the air, as if pulling an arrow from a quiver. In like fashion, he took aim with an imagined bow.

“It seems you’re forgetting something, my dear elf,” chuckled Blacktongue, forgetting the stories she’d heard of Exanti in light of his silly act.

The elf closed his eyes momentarily and whispered: “Acid arrow.” Suddenly, a, ethereal bow and arrow of green flame appeared in his hands. He opened his eyes and loosed the mystical arrow. It shot fast and true, plunging itself in the necromancer’s chest.

“On the contrary,” he replied to Blacktongue. “It seems you are the forgetful one, failing to recognize such a basic spell simply because I cast it differently.” The sorcerer then dashed forward, summoning a mystical blade in hand, and pierced her through the heart.

Even the necromancer’s powers over death could not prevent her own demise. She slumped over; her life and last breath left her body. With her death, her will over her undead force expired. The skeletons and the adventurer’s corpse fell to the ground again.

“Ye’ve robbed me of my victory, elf!” complained Gunthar, still unwilling to admit gratitude for the fight being over.

“Let’s return these dead to their proper places and leave,” said Liana. “I will see to it that Blacktongue is never able to return.” Though reluctant, the others agreed to do their parts to honor the dead. They placed the skeletons back upon their resting places in the walls and wrapped the fallen adventurer’s corpse and placed him in an open resting place. The cleric performed her cleansing ritual and set fire to the necromancer’s body.

They collected any valuable belongings left by the necromancer, said a final prayer for the dead, and left the catacomb. The town would be glad to hear that Blacktongue was no more.



Edit: I need to get back to work on my Eve/Dust character logs. My Eve sub ran out, and I had a story for how I'd deal with that from the character's perspective, but I forgot to put it into actual writing. *oops* I haven't played Dust in a while, so there hasn't been anything to write, but I'd like to start writing more of that again sooner than later. It's really fun. :)
 
Last edited:
Not sure if you are looking for constructive criticism or not. . .So you can take this or leave it. I'm not sure if the overall purpose is to merely log this and move on, or to try to improve this bit.

It was a good read, but lacked a bit of immediacy or concern at the end. I think adding a paragraph on Gunthar's battle with the armored corpse and how it wasn't going so well would explain his gratefulness for the battle being over. Also, I didn't notice any discernible effect from the "prayers" that Liana was using. She didn't seem to be contributing much. I guess I expected her prayers would lay waste to the advancing skeletons as clerics often do. Furthermore, I think Blacktongue acted a bit stupidly (and perhaps out of character) by not taking the first shot at Exanti. I'm imagining some sort of plasma/flame blast that wraps around the elf, worrying the other two, before it is revealed he either changed positions (blink) or the spell was blocked or perhaps a set of undead beasts sent racing at him while he is performing this arrow maneuver lending a bit of urgency and concern while he patiently performs his task. Basically, it appeared that the cleric and the dwarf were useless companions and Exanti didn't really need them for anything.

Don't get me wrong. The dialog flowed rather well and the descriptions worked, I just think it had potential to really build up to a climax that was missed.
 
Last edited:
I'm always more than happy to see your constructive criticism on my writing. I really appreciate it, and it helps me keep things in mind for future writings. In fact, the part where this piece had an actual ending, lacking though it may be, was entirely because of your feedback on other bits being left open. haha

With this particular piece, I just wanted to get the scene out of my system. I'm not attached to it, and probably won't take the time reworking it since I'd rather start on new stuff I'd care more about. Still, I have thought about how your feedback would affect the piece. Some things, I would rather justify in the writing than change. Such as making Blacktongue's arrogance more apparent as the cause for why she didn't cast a direct spell at Exanti (though she was responsible for the new wave of the undead) as well as why she let the sorcerer make the first move; she wanted to flaunt her power by giving up the first move.

As for Liana, I saw her less as the powerful smiting cleric of archetype and more as the inspiring, ritual-minded leader type of cleric. To some extent, I tried to convey that she was not battle-focused in her rebuke of Exanti; still, I could have done a better job of conveying this in the writing than I did. I think I would revise this line:

"Liana simply nodded in agreement before raising her holy symbol high and beginning another prayer."

To be more explicit in the intended meaning and function like so:

"Liana simply nodded in agreement before raising her holy symbol high and beginning another prayer, working to release the dead from the dark magic that was disturbing their rest."

I feel such a reworking is simple and retains the kind of character I wanted her to be while giving her a more clear and active role in the activity.

I most certainly could have, and should have, given Gunthar more of a visible struggle in the battle. Actually, I will write something new here:

"Gunthar charged the armored adventurer's corpse and took a mighty swing. The loud clang of metal against metal rang out as Gunthar's hammer slammed into his opponent's armor. The undead fighter was resilient, however, and quickly brought down his own sword at the dwarf's head in turn. Gunthar was relieved when the sword was deflected by the ward Liana placed on him earlier and wasted no time in following up with another brutal attack."

The hardest part would be figuring out where and how to work this into the story without disrupting the flow. It would probably best fit after the Liana paragraph just mentioned. In any case, a paragraph like this would to the usefulness of Gunthar as well as make the battle more dynamic. Furthermore, it gives use to the protective ward Liana cast earlier in the encounter.

Now! All that having been said, the reality of the situation is that Gunthar and Liana are quite weak compared to Blacktongue. It is no accident that they seem fairly useless companions to Exanti; that's why they hired the renowned sorcerer in the first place. Exanti doesn't really need them for battle; they need him. He could have handled Deathtongue's demise entirely on his own, but he probably would not have even bothered going after her if not for the money offered by Liana and the Servants of Morloth. This could also be better demonstrated in the text, so here's another revision. This bit:

Exanti chuckled. “You’ve paid me to do a job, and I will do it,” retorted the elf. “Let me worry about the how, love.” Exanti was an unusually smug elf with an excessive love for the dramatic. His arrogance was not without some justification, however, as he was an exceptionally gifted sorcerer.

Would look more like this:

Exanti chuckled. “You’ve paid me to do a job, and I will do it,” retorted the elf. “Let me worry about the how, love.” Exanti was an unusually smug elf with an excessive love for the dramatic. His arrogance was not without some justification, however, as he was an exceptionally gifted sorcerer, powerful enough to warrant the sizable sum of gold the Order of Morloth paid him to deal with Blacktongue.

I do think that you've a good point on the sense of urgency during the acid arrow moment missing. A revision to these lines:

“It seems you’re forgetting something, my dear elf,” chuckled Blacktongue, forgetting the stories she’d heard of Exanti in light of his silly act.

The elf closed his eyes momentarily and whispered: “Acid arrow.” Suddenly, a, ethereal bow and arrow of green flame appeared in his hands. He opened his eyes and loosed the mystical arrow. It shot fast and true, plunging itself in the necromancer’s chest.

To this:

“It seems you’re forgetting something, my dear elf,” chuckled Blacktongue, forgetting the stories she'd heard of Exanti's unorthodox acts. "Your weapon perhaps?" She then willed her skeletal force to move on the sorcerer.

The skeletons shifted their direction toward the elf. Their movements, however, began to slow as Liana's prayers started to take effect.

Whether because he trusted the cleric to handle her task or because he simply didn't care about the looming threat, the elf paid no heed to their advances. Exanti closed his eyes momentarily and whispered: “Acid arrow.” Suddenly, an ethereal bow and arrow of green flame appeared in his hands. He opened his eyes and loosed the mystical arrow. It shot fast and true, plunging itself in the necromancer’s chest.

Hmm. So yeah and stuff. So much for not doing any revision work, eh? haha Again, I really appreciate your feedback. I don't know that these changes would fix everything in the way you would like, but I do think they reflect your input and recommendations in such a way that preserves my original intent while making the work a bit stronger overall. So, once again, thanks! :D I'll edit up the work with these and a couple other edits I'd like to make and re-post it in new form so the original and revision can be seen together. :)
 
Last edited:
Alright. I'm quite satisfied with how this is now, and, barring any glaring grammatical or formatting errors, consider myself done with it. Though, admittedly, I'm feeling like I could actually make something out of these characters in the future. haha Still, for the foreseeable future, I'm leaving this as a one shot.

Here it is:

A few braziers and held torches lit an otherwise dark catacomb. The room was spacious apart from its low ceiling, with a large open area in the middle of the chamber. Books, scrolls, and arcane contraptions rested on a simple table at the far end of the room, clearly not one of the catacomb's original and ornate features.

"You've come to this place of the dead expecting what exactly if not death?" questioned the necromancer known simply as Blacktongue to the locals. Her voice was soft and calming, belying the malice implied in her words.

"In Morloth's name, we will bring rest to those you've disturbed with your foul magics, witch!" answered Liana, a human cleric and servant of the benevolent god of death. Though her words were familiar, they carried the conviction and assurance that only a truly devoted and experienced cleric could convey.

"And take yer pretty head while we're at it!" added Gunthar Stormhammer, an especially fiery-tempered dwarf. He readied his warhammer, bouncing it in his hand in an effort to intimidate the necromancer.

"Indeed," Blacktongue coolly remarked. She took to smirking. "You adventurers are all so quaint. A skeleton is spotted near the town and suddenly the witch hunt begins. I can raise the dead; do you really think I cannot, will not add to their numbers?"

Gunthar had enough. He charged across the room at Blacktongue, shouting fiercely in his rage.

"Halt!" commanded the necromancer. Mere feet from her, the dwarf found himself stopped dead in his tracks, utterly unable to move.

Liana uttered a short prayer of invocation. "Morloth, give us your aid and demonstrate that you share power over death with no one."

"A pity," started Blacktongue. "The last group had five in all. You have only two. And you," turning her focus to the cleric, "will not even make a pretty trophy for my collection." Her effort to undermine Liana's mental readiness lacking any form of subtlety. "I would not even need to summon my servants to deal with you pathetic lot, but it is so much more entertaining to watch the dead tear at the living."

With this, the necromancer began moving her arms about in the air, muttering words in a language unknown to Liana and Gunthar. A shadow formed around her.

Though he did not realize it immediately, the dwarf was released from his mystical captivity when Blacktongue's focused turned to working her dark art.

The sound of bones moving without flesh began to fill the hall. Gunthar saw skeletons moving from their resting places in the walls and straight for him, his eyes briefly widening with horror before narrowing in fury.

"Gunthar, move!" Liana shouted. She thrust her holy symbol forward toward the dwarf and cast a ward of protection on him.

The dwarf swung his hammer in a wide arc, a breath too early to more than graze any of the skeletons, and leapt back toward Liana. "Where is that bloody elf ye hired?" he demanded of the cleric.

"Waiting for the right moment," a disembodied voice responded, "to strike!" In an instant, an exploding ball of fire appeared in the middle of the gathering group of skeletons. When the light faded, a robed elf was all that remained in its place; the skeletons had been destroyed entirely.

"How about striking a little sooner next time, elf," grunted Gunthar, unwilling to admit that he was impressed by and grateful for the sorcerer's intervention. "And spare us the theatrics."

"And need I remind you that we are here to give the dead their rest, not add to their agitation, Exanti?" chided Liana.

Exanti chuckled. "Your order has paid me quite well to do a job, and I will do it," retorted the elf. "Let me worry about the how, love." Exanti was an unusually smug elf with an excessive love for the dramatic. His arrogance was not without some justification, however, as he was an exceptionally gifted sorcerer, powerful enough to warrant the sizable sum of gold the Servants of Morloth paid him to deal with Blacktongue.

"Ooh. This is a pleasant surprise," Blacktongue chimed in, the shadow that once obscured her gone again. "I've heard of you, Exanti, mercenary magician. This could be much more fun than expected. And don't worry, the fun has only begun." She briefly gestured again.

More of the undead shuffled. Half a dozen skeletons from their resting places were joined by the heavily armored corpse of a recently killed adventurer.

"Dwarf, tend to the armored one," barked the sorcerer. "Cleric, give the others the rest you speak of."

Liana simply nodded in agreement before raising her holy symbol high and beginning another prayer, working to release the dead from the dark magic that was disturbing their rest.

"I'll be taking no orders from ye, elf!" Gunthar shot back. "But, seeing as he's the mightiest foe in the room, I will not turn down the opportunity to send him back to his death." In his haste, Gunthar charged the armored adventurer's corpse and took a mighty swing. The loud clang of metal against metal rang out as Gunthar's hammer slammed into his opponent's armor. The undead fighter was resilient, however, and quickly brought down his own sword at the dwarf's head in turn. The sword bounced off the ward Liana placed on Gunthar earlier, much to his relief, and he wasted no time in following up with another brutal attack.

"I suppose that you mean to deal with me by yourself, Exanti?" asked Blacktongue, expecting no answer. "How charming. I'll even let you make the first move." Her arrogance was without end, believing herself untouchable by the sorcerer. She did not wish to destroy him too quickly either, wanting to play with her new prey as a cat plays with a captured mouse.

"I suppose so," Exanti responded. He angled his body such that his left shoulder faced the necromancer. His right arm reached over his shoulder and plucked at the air, as if pulling an arrow from a quiver. In like fashion, he took aim with an imagined bow.

“It seems you’re forgetting something, my dear elf,” chuckled Blacktongue, herself forgetting the stories she'd heard of Exanti's unorthodox way of battle, his way of appearing more performer than warrior. "Your weapon perhaps?" She then willed her skeletal force to move on the sorcerer.

The skeletons shifted their direction toward the elf. Their movements, however, began to slow as Liana's prayers started to take effect.

Whether because he trusted the cleric to handle her task or because he simply didn't care about the looming threat, the elf paid no heed to their advances. Exanti closed his eyes momentarily and whispered: “Acid arrow.” Suddenly, an ethereal bow and arrow of green flame appeared in his hands. He opened his eyes and loosed the mystical arrow. It shot fast and true, plunging itself in the necromancer’s chest.

"On the contrary," he replied to Blacktongue. "You are the forgetful one, failing to recognize such a basic spell when hidden in my form. We may both be arrogant magicians, but you are the one who will die for it." The sorcerer then dashed forward, summoning a mystical blade in hand, and pierced her through the heart.

Even the necromancer's powers over death could not prevent her own demise. She slumped over; her life and last breath left her body. With her death, what little control she still held over her undead force expired. The skeletons and the adventurer's corpse fell to the ground.

"Ye've robbed me of my victory, elf!" raged Gunthar, tired from his battle but unwilling to be grateful for an end that did not come by his hammer.

"Then you should have finished sooner," mocked the sorcerer in response.

"Come, friends. The battle is over. Let's return these dead to their proper places and leave," said Liana. "I will see to it that Blacktongue is never able to return." Though reluctant, the others agreed to do their parts to honor the dead. They placed the skeletons back upon their resting places in the walls and wrapped the fallen adventurer's corpse and placed him in one of the open spaces. The cleric finished her cleansing ritual and set fire to the necromancer's body.

They collected any valuable belongings left by the necromancer, said a final prayer for the dead, and left the catacomb. The town would be glad to hear that Blacktongue was no more.
 
I like the proposed changes. While retaining the comparative uselessness of the cleric and dwarf, they now appear to be doing something, however futile it may be.

I thought about Blacktongue potentially being overconfident (as that was somewhat evident from her initial dialog with the cleric and freezing the dwarf) but figured with the obvious renown of the elf it might give her reason for a little more caution. I hate assuming that evil/bad characters should be necessarily stupid in their actions, much like I hate the fact that almost all shows/books seem to rely on evil characters somehow enjoying incredibly uncomfortable living situations (i.e. volcanic lair, tomb lair, swampy lair, bone/spike/uncomfortable throne). I imagine, somewhat more realistic evil characters should enjoy the same comforts that good characters enjoy (warmth, plush thrones, clean air, etc). I guess I see the really evil bad guy as someone who differs ideologically but is relatively difficult to pick out from the good guys in a crowd. Actions should define their evil, not their living conditions. Anyway, that was a bit of a tangent that had absolutely nothing to do with your work above. . .sorry about that.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to being unable to fully explain a character and his/her motivations in a little snippet, in which case, I need to just defer to the author as being more acquainted with his own creations. :)
 
Last edited:
You make me want to continue editing, fiend! lol

I see, and want to agree with, your frustration with "evil characters being necessarily stupid." There actually was a bigger idea behind this in this particular case, but it was hard to convey in such a short space. There's the idea that power corrupts, and it seems to me that magicians are especially prone to power madness. That's why I made the necromancer and the sorcerer excessively arrogant, and even had Exanti address it directly. I think that such arrogance stems from weakness, as the best of villains would be much more aware of their limits and any potential threats. However, I consider the necromancer here to be a very petty, aimless villain. She's abundantly more powerful than the cleric and fighter, but she's really just a witch drunk on her own power. She doesn't mention any grand schemes when challenged because she has none.

As for the living environment, I agree in full. Were I developing a more meaningful villain, s/he would be much more a Lex Luthor than this and would certainly live the high life or a close approximation of it. Though it seems you were talking in the abstract, in this particular case, I don't think there's any indication that the catacomb is the necromancer's living space. The only furniture mentioned is a table. The only items are arcane writings and implements. What better place for a necromancer to study and practice than a catacomb?

Anyway! I really appreciate your feedback. It will all go into consideration in future writings, with better villains who have better standards of living. :)

And I do need to improve a lot in getting more explanation into smaller spaces.

Thanks again for all the feedback!
 
You make me want to continue editing, fiend! lol
Not trying to. I actually wrote that out before you had posted the revised version. I think the piece stands well on it's own, I'm just wanting more. It was too short and I want to know more about the characters. :)

I see, and want to agree with, your frustration with "evil characters being necessarily stupid." There actually was a bigger idea behind this in this particular case, but it was hard to convey in such a short space. There's the idea that power corrupts, and it seems to me that magicians are especially prone to power madness. That's why I made the necromancer and the sorcerer excessively arrogant, and even had Exanti address it directly. I think that such arrogance stems from weakness, as the best of villains would be much more aware of their limits and any potential threats. However, I consider the necromancer here to be a very petty, aimless villain. She's abundantly more powerful than the cleric and fighter, but she's really just a witch drunk on her own power. She doesn't mention any grand schemes when challenged because she has none.
The background does help. I can't tell you how many times I've read a book and wanted to discuss certain parts with the author. It's refreshing to actually be able to do so.

As for the living environment, I agree in full. Were I developing a more meaningful villain, s/he would be much more a Lex Luthor than this and would certainly live the high life or a close approximation of it. Though it seems you were talking in the abstract, in this particular case, I don't think there's any indication that the catacomb is the necromancer's living space. The only furniture mentioned is a table. The only items are arcane writings and implements. What better place for a necromancer to study and practice than a catacomb?
It wasn't a comment on your piece. More of a comment on movies/books in general. Really, I would expect a necromancer to find it a necessity to live/work in a place with many dead bodies unless they had a way of transporting them back to their rather cushy palace. . .
Of course, you could always twist that around. Cathedrals or places of worship often have the greatest concentration of the dead. What's more offensive than someone evil playing right in good's backyard? Or what is more righteous than removing that offensive evil? Anyway, just running with random thoughts here.

Anyway! I really appreciate your feedback. It will all go into consideration in future writings, with better villains who have better standards of living. :)

And I do need to improve a lot in getting more explanation into smaller spaces.

Thanks again for all the feedback!
I'm glad it is appreciated. I really enjoy reading people's original creations. And I find when I am writing myself it is often hard to place myself in the position of the reader who doesn't know the entire backstory running through my mind. That is why I offer constructive criticism, because I would find it helpful for myself. . .reminds me of a Bible verse. :D
 
Back
Top