Lust

[inkelis]

I hate to be the one weirdo who makes threads about sex... But, i value your opinions and appreciate your knowledge of the bible.

With that being said, i had a few questions about lust. I'm hoping this forum is a good place to post this. Just in case, i'll add a spoiler. *If you are offended easily by sexual content, do not click the spoiler*

Spoiler

I have very intense feelings of sexual desire for my wife. I'm very sex oriented, I think about sex very often. I certainly do not believe that i'm in the wrong, and this post is more for expanding my knowledge of what the bible says about the topic.

I was always taught that lust was the act of sexually wanting someone. I assumed they meant specifically wanting their body. I certainly find myself sexually wanting my wife for her body (Although, i can not say that is the only reason, just a plus.)

On a side note, I find myself noticing attractive women at my place of employment. I catch myself "looking" from time to time. I have been told that this is lust and is sinful. I can honestly say that i'm not entirely sure that i can prevent this from happening.

The primary question is: Am i lusting after my wife? Is this a big deal? What does the bible say?

The secondary question: The side note.

 

[RyanB]

Better to be a "weirdo" than to not ask important questions, haha. Of course, I don't think anything you've posted is weird, haha.

God designed us to love and to worship. He also designed us to get angry and to lust. At first glance, these look like positive vs. negative things, but that isn't the case at all. Love and worship is great until you direct it at money or things instead of God. Anger is often misused, but can be completely righteous, and lust is a wonderful thing when directed at your wife. The same can be said for specific personality traits we have: sticking to something could either be perseverance, or it could be stubbornness. God designs us with qualities/traits, and it's up to us whether we use them for His purpose or our own.

As far as noticing pretty women, that doesn't make you a sinner; it just means you have eyes. Of course you don't want that lust taking hold of your heart or replacing any you have for your wife...so I'd say it's more of a warning sign if you notice you are dwelling on these things. The heart is what it's all about.

The only thing I could think of that would make lusting for your wife a bad thing is if it becomes an idol. I could be missing something, but that's just my $.02.

 

[Abba San]

Ryan - I understand what you are saying and I agree that sexual desire for our spouse is a wonderful, God intended thing...

BUT semantics are important.

Healthy sexual desire for your spouse is not the same as lust. In the Bible and in the secular world lust carries the idea of "unbridled desire." (See Merriam-Webster) Lust is found 48 times in the KJV and 24 times in the NIV - none of those times is it a positive attribute - and it is not always sexual. It always carries the "unbridled" aspect - purely for the satisfaction of our own desires - without regard for the other person or your own well-being. Not even with our spouse are we to have "unbridled" desire. Self-control is one of the fruit of the Spirit.

And that would be my $.02.

Thanks for your input.

 

[inkelis]

Interesting, so your saying that lust is the idea that i want to have sex with my wife for no other reason than i am aroused, so completely selfish in my desire.

So is it just as much a sin to refuse sex because your not in the mood?

So, is it not considered lust if both involved are only interested in the physical aspect? or are they both lusting?

 

[Kidan]

I think where a lot of folks get confused on LUST is the the fact that in today's English it means "sexual desire."
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The problem is that as it is used Biblically (and thus in the KJV) in regards to a sin (and it's not always used in regards to sin) it's the the desire for something which is not yours. It's when you covet something, and like most sins, it's based upon selfishness. Lust is the sin which the 10th Commandment is concerned:

Neither shall you covet your neighbor's wife; neither shall you desire your neighbor's house, his field, or his male servant, or his female servant, his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's. (Deuteronomy 5:21)
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There's basically four aspect to lust, which I would define as thus:

1. Lust is of the world

For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever (1 John 2:16-17)
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2. Lust is of the flesh, as opposed to the Spirit

This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would. (Galatians 5:16-17)
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3. Lust is of the devil

Ye are of your father the devil, and the lust of your father ye will do (John 8:44)
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4. Lust is ultimately doomed

And the fruits that thy soul lusted after are departed from thee, and all things which were dainty and goodly are departed from thee, and thou shalt find no more at all (Revelation 18:14)
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And the reasons that it is so bad is thus:

1. Lust is a direct contradiction of the 10th Commandment
2. Lust is selfishness
3. Lust objectifies

Since it is the Tenth Commandment we're dealing with, Lust (and by association covetousness) is a sin of the Heart. These are sins against yourself, as well as others (your wife, your neighbor, and God). It is the epitome of selfishness (i.e. you wish to take that which is not yours) and greed.

Lust, as sin, is when you look at something and covet it. It's unbridled, raw desire where you wish to own/possess that something. We apply lust to sexual desire because of the passionate, raw desire which it indicates, and because sexual desires play such a strong role in our physical/emotional/physiological/psychological makeup, that those desires typically are the strongest and most noticeable.

A lot of American culture is filtered by the Pilgrims.... distaste for the sexual aspects of relationships. IMO, it's harmed a number of marriages, because American Christians have a tendency to approach sex, even within the confines of marriage, as something dirty or shameful, and the Bible does not support that--as evidenced by the Song of Solomon.

Have a sexual desire for your wife, has absolutely nothing to do with coveting her. In the eyes of God she is "yours" thus, you cannot perform a sinful lusting after her. In fact God expects/wants us to have this type of strong sexual desire for our spouses, which is why He provided us the Song of Solomon. Go read that, and all fears over a "too-strong" desire for your spouse will most likely evaporate.

Now, your questions about when sex becomes lust in the marriage bed--just because of physical needs.. I have to say that that's false. The marriage bed is sacred and the place for sexual contact. Therefore, in general, (outside of specific law-based issues, which are slightly outside the scope of this conversation) there cannot be sin between a husband and wife due to sexual congress.

In fact Paul basically commands us to not stop having sex with our spouse so that we do not fall into temptation due to the weakness of the flesh. In 1st Corinthians we read:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
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[Abba San]

Thanks, Kidan. To your specific questions, inkelis:

Interesting, so your saying that lust is the idea that i want to have sex with my wife for no other reason than i am aroused, so completely selfish in my desire.

No - I'm saying lust is the idea that you want sex - you want it when you want it - you want it the way you want - you want it with no regard to your wife's feelings, needs or person. That is unbridled lust - even for your wife - and it is not based in love - and it is NOT what God intended sex to be - even with your wife.

So is it just as much a sin to refuse sex because your not in the mood?

The more in tune you are with your wife the less you have those awkward moments when only one is in the mood.

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (NIV)

So, is it not considered lust if both involved are only interested in the physical aspect? or are they both lusting?

If it is lust it is sin - no if's, and's or but's. Your wife is never just her body - she is a person - body and soul. You tend to both - all the time. Don't get passion and lust confused. Lust and passion are not the same. Passion is love based - lust is not.

I'm curious, if you desire your wife and she desires you - what are you worried about?

 

[inkelis]

I'm curious, if you desire your wife and she desires you - what are you worried about?

Too be honest, i am not worried about anything. I've just always had this confusion with "lust". I really like what Kidan had to say on the topic. I've always been taught that i could lust over my wife, I have never seen this as being possible and the contradiction in my mind has always made this a confusing topic.

 

[Abba San]

Hope it is a little clearer, now.

God bless you and thanks for asking the question.

 

[Durruck]

I'm going to quote a book, Porn-Again Christian which you can download for free in it's entirety by clicking the link... I'm using it because there are some practical answers to very similar questions that you've asked.

The primary question is: Am i lusting after my wife? Is this a big deal? What does the bible say?

The purpose of pornography is clearly lust. And, lust for anyone but your wife is
condemned by God as a grievous evil repeatedly throughout both the Old and New
Testament (e.g., Prov. 6:25; Job 31:1; Matt. 5:28; Col. 3:5; 1 Thess. 4:5; 1 Pet. 4:3).
The act of lusting after the unclothed body of a woman is not a sin. The issue is which
woman’s unclothed body you are lusting after. If she is your bride, then you are simply
making the Song of Songs sing again to God’s glory and your joy. If she is not your bride,
then you are simply sinning.

On a side note, I find myself noticing attractive women at my place of employment. I catch myself "looking" from time to time. I have been told that this is lust and is sinful. I can honestly say that i'm not entirely sure that i can prevent this from happening.

Question: Is it a sin to notice that a woman is beautiful?
Answer: No. Genesis 12:10–14 says that Sarai was beautiful, despite the fact that she
was quite old. Some women are lovely and to recognize this fact is, in itself, not a sin.
However, recognizing a woman’s beauty does become a sin when a man lusts after that
beautiful woman and begins to undress her in his mind.

Admiring the fact that God made a beautiful woman is one thing. Fantasizing about her is when it becomes a sin.

Hope that helps. I'd seriously consider reading the book I linked above. I think it should be a requirement for everyone male above the age of 10 that becomes a Christian.