I have something to say...

[amorphus88]

Well, actually, I'll have to apologize, first off.  I don't really have something to say.  

On the other hand, I felt like I had to get something off my chest.  I have no idea what it is, I just feel something pressing on my conscience, or nagging at the back of my head... whatever.  Anyways, heres a go at getting rid of it. =|

Alright.  So first off, I have no idea why this pressure is there.  It's not even any sort of depression or melancholy; its more of a tired lethargy than anything else.

Weird thing is, I can't figure out whats causing it.  I've been getting a moderate to slightly intense physical workout daily, for the most part (my father and I have been moving stuff, which takes a large chunk of my day, and the stuff isn't light, either).  My life is doing well, my walk with God is, for the most part, on track, and I can honestly say that I've been able to find peace in Him, that I haven't had a moment of insecurity or depression for a long time.  The days of being insecure, being afraid, and wanting it all to end are over for me, I think.

That brings me to the next point, though.  I regret to say that I think I've lost my zeal, or passion.  The little me dressed as the devil on my left shoulder isn't overriding the voice of good, but I'm not growing at all; I'm stagnant in my growth in Christ, riding on what I've learned and what I know.  I'm at a spiritual plateau right now - I've climbed the rock faces, but now, theres no more upwards progress.  Continuing that analogy, I know theres more mountains I have to climb, and more obstacles to overcome, but I don't even know where to start to find that mountain.

God's blessed me greatly, and I think that this year, he's given me a great opportunity to grow in Him - my classes in school this year are fun, engaging, and dole out fairly little homework.  This, of course, leaves me with a surplus of spare time, which I abuse (nothing bad, I just waste time on online forums a lot).

The time I have, which could be used for spiritual growth, or usage towards achieving any of the goals I have, is not used on anything productive, other than raising my forums post count on Anandtech  

But enough with the negatives, although they certainly can't be overlooked, or forgotten.  God forbid!  (In the most literal sense of the expression)  Moving on to its counterpart - the blessings God's given me.

 

[amorphus88]

Well, I am now living comfortably in a new house.  It's much larger, and very comfortable.  The facilities are nice looking, and everything's peachy.  Of course, I suppose my parents are having a bit of financial worry over this, but God has provided, and he won't leave us hanging, unless it'll be for the good.

I've also been blessed with a great many things in my life.  It seems, though, that every time I try to give thanks, theres always one thing that I go back to, over and over - how God's saved my life from a potential disaster.  I'll elaborate in a moment, but right now I'm building up the suspense  

Okay, ready?

As a kid, I was horribly maladjusted.  In elementary school, I would consistently flip out, cry, scream, and be that annoying sociopathic kid who, through no fault of his own, makes the teachers' lives miserable.  My parents would meet with the principal on a weekly basis, and the situation got quite bad.  
One time, in fourth grade, I threw an eraser about 15 feet, and hit a whiteboard about 3 inches from the teacher, then stormed out of the room, crying.  For what reason, I don't know, but take that as an example of my really screwed up childhood self.
Anyways, I was eventually suspended from school for getting in an "altercation" with another boy (with whom I am now good friends with, mind you

), and from that point, I went to another school district, half an hour away.  At first, I was put into a grade lower than what I was originally in at that point, as that was the appropriate level for my age.  I coped very well, anddealt well with the kids my age (first day in class, I impressed everyone by spelling "Massachusetts" correctly

) but eventually, we decided that it was better for me to return to a grade up, as I was a smart little 9-year-old kid (albeit with some serious anger management problems).  I was also placed in some program the school had for gifted and otherwise talented kids, because I passed some creativity test they had.
Anyways, point is, when I returned to my proper academic level, I was shot out of my proper social level - I still could not deal well with the kids there, so I was once again a social outcast.  But with a bit less maniacal agression, as the stint in my proper age group increased my self-confidence and mellowed me down some.  Still, I was not happy.

I went through two years of elenemtary school (4th and 5th grades) like this, and somewhere along the line, God introduced to me an amazing woman.
Susan was a new children's director my church had taken on, and she took an interest in me.  I don't know how; it could've been my mother requesting it, or her noticing I was a bit off center (frankly, I think it's because she loved all the kids under her care dearly), but either way, God brought her to me... or brought me to her.

 

[amorphus88]

Irregardless, starting sometime around the age of ten, this woman visited me at my home weekly, and gave me a great amount of attention.  She would put up with whatever useless junk I did on the occasions she came (heck, she even watched The Matrix with me once), and she would always turn the discussion to God at the end, teaching me a little bit about life, love, and happiness every time - honesty, caring, loyalty, etc. were all things she taught me.
She went so far as to speak in my favor whenever I got into more trouble at school, and when the assistant principal asked her what her relation to me was... "advocate".

Susan also taught me to love.  Around the age of eleven or twelve, she helped my mother pick out a pet.  It was a cute 3-year-old beagle, and I was introduced to him after coming home from a school trip to a local ski area (weekly school-sponsored trip).
Sure, we had had pets before, but until this dog showed up (we named him Sparky, btw), they were all fun and games - low-maintenance, play with them and then ignore them.  Sparky needed much more attention than that - I had to wake up half an hour earlier to walk him around the block, etc. etc.  Basically, I invested so much of my time in him, I had to grow close to him.  

Anyways, having this dog was great.  Unless you've loved an animal, so it is said, a part of your soul remains unawakened.  I don't know how true that is, but I know for a fact that having a cuddly friend who would always be there to take solace in was nice.  

But I digress.  I think my point has been made, although in a horribly roundabout way.  If not, well, you got a few paragraphs to chew on and try to make out my jibberish.

 

[amorphus88]

 

 

Great, now I've lost my train of thought.  Regardless, I'm thankful for a great number of things.

Oh, oh!  I don't want to write a heartfelt paragraph or two on this, even though it deserves it, but I feel the need to mention that the time I spent in FKoC furthered my growth in Christ greatly, as well as the great fun I had with the guys in CG.  If not for those places (FKoC, mostly), I would never have made it this far, and if not for the wonderful people that God's introduced me to along the way, I would be a much, much worse off person.

Thanks, for all of the above and more, go to God.  Hosannah to the King, y'all.    

How's that for a first post of the new year? I had to split it up, because Ikonboard didn't like me using all these emoticons.

 

[SirNukes]

And here I was reading all of that waiting for an elaborate discussion of FKoC.  Well, at least it got an honorable mention.    Thanks.  I'll just give a cheap piece of advice real quick so this post isn't too useless.

I once heard (from Kaze, if you remember him) that when we feel closest to God we are often the furthest, and when we feel furthest from God we are often the closest.  That can explain some of the strange feelings that sometimes pop up.  I'll leave it to you to see if it applies to your situation in any way.

Happy New Year.

 

[LionOfJudah]

we will have these plateus of what seems like a spiritual desert, but you have to go through a desert to find the Osaisis.(SP) these deserts are also a time for you to be ressaured of your faith, because its ez to be with God and do everything when it feels good and when you are basking on a mountain top, but its what you do in the valleys that proves your faith.

 

[amorphus88]

Heh - FKoC really deserved a bigger chunk than it was given, but I had already been writing the post for awhile, and I was tired. And yeah, I remember Kaze. the one who actually donated money to the CG forums.