Fantasy Readers Unite!

i think i'll speedread through it again just to check your edits and the storyline.
if anything doesn't flow properly i'll point it out for you, it's always necessary to make the reading easy for the reader (although i can't do well on that myself, i can tell you how to do it)

correction: I'm reading really slow, I've found lots of errors in the first two parts already : ( and in my next post I will post them all (prologue-ch1). i think after that i will go through 2-3, then 4-5, and so on... i hope you take my insight -.o

re-correction!: your first chapter is huge (for edits i mean, of course), therefore i will post my editing as far as i can go without getting tired of typing up correction lists, then continue from where i left off.
 
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“The murder flew around and around the large tower until it made it’s way to the silhouette.” Pro. – personally, I think that adding “crow(s)” in there somewhere would help, because I thought you misspelled murderer the first time, then realized you meant flock of crows.

“He stared at the sleeping city of Croll laughing in his head.” Pro. – needs a comma between Croll and laughing.

“Eryk Velkens held the bow tight, an arrow at the ready.” Ch. 1 – rather than using “the bow” try “his bow” because “the” has no representation of possession.

Eryk… what does he look like? I was wondering because you never really explained anything other than “almost six feet.” So maybe the third paragraph should start out with a definition of him.

“The ibex was a solitary creatures that looked similar to a goat with two large silver horns extending behind itself.” Ch. 1 – many errors… I think by the way you use the ‘ibex” as a sort of race, it should be capitalized, and rather than “was a solitary” (since there are more than 1) “were solitary,” and “itself” therefore becomes “themselves.” By saying such, I’m certain Ibex’s plural form is still Ibex, but if it’s not then you can do whatever… that’s your call. The capitalization idea will extend throughout the rest of the book.

“With his bow, he hoped to kill the ibex.” Ch. 1 – I figure that after talking about multiple Ibex, it would be more logical to say “this” in place of “the.”

“Still to far away, just a few feet closer.” Ch. 1 – “to” should be “too” because it refers to an excessive measurement.

“He bent his arms over his head, pulling out his bow and arrow, careful to stay completely silent.” Ch. 1 – I believe he already had his bow out and an arrow at the ready, hence the first sentence… =D

“Without warning, the ibex perked it’s ears up, looking down the nearby road.” Ch. 1 – forgot to indent the paragraph.

“The ibex was spooked by something.” Ch. 1 – this sentence could use a nice word like “Obviously,” or whatever at the beginning…

Shouldn’t the Wastelands be capitalized, seeing as it’s the name of a location?

END OF FIRST CORRECTION SET =D
 
Dude, I think I love you. You're corrections are awesome and very helpful! Keep 'em comming!

What do you think of the plot?
 
I made some correction to chapter 1, and made some minor changes to what happens in the beginning. I think it flows better. I also make editing corrections to chapters 2-4 although I haven't posted them on my blog yet. I'll get those up soon enough.

And boy did I have a lot of commas :-D
 
when you get your editting posted let me know, and I'll try and go over it again. I read through ch4. Haven't had a moment to read 5. No we haven't abandoned you : )
 
tjguitarz said:
Dude, I think I love you. You're corrections are awesome and very helpful! Keep 'em comming!

What do you think of the plot?
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well since i haven't really read through, i have no clue what the prologue is, but the rest of it is wonderful (to this point.)

i'll go now (since GW is inaccessable to me for now i have plenty of time on my hands) and edit on.

i'm glad you like this editing i'm doing for you... it's a nice idea i might try (although i would prefer the book to be spilled out later, when i (hopefully) get a publisher.....
 
tjguitarz said:
I made some correction to chapter 1, and made some minor changes to what happens in the beginning. I think it flows better. I also make editing corrections to chapters 2-4 although I haven't posted them on my blog yet. I'll get those up soon enough.

And boy did I have a lot of commas :-D
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commas are a sign of good explanations and flow tactics
 
ok this is a big list, mostly spelling with some apostrophe use lessons and a couple of other things:

“The moment had come” (just skimmed through your edits and luckily stumbled over this) CH1 – left period out =D

“He was trying to save her. By coming back she annulled his whole rescue!” CH1 – I feel that this would flow better with “save her, yet by” or “save her, but by” instead of a period.

“Blood dripped from the new orfice…” CH1 – I just knew that word looked weird… so I looked it up on Word’s spellchecker (since I haven’t spelled it in a year at least… or have I ever??? o.0) and it’s actually (to my surprise) “orifice” I guess you just left the “i” out.

Comment: pretty violent battle for having only four people in it =D

“He watched as the bloodhungry man” CH1 – “bloodhungry” is two words, not one.

“The rush of knowledge felt extatic, but as quickly as it came, it disapated” CH1 – “extatic” = “ecstatic” (static is the root word here, ex static = Latin roots) and “disipated” = “dissipated” (dis is the most important root :D )

“He looked to the sorce of the power…” CH1 – this one also looked weird. Although I doubt you can’t spell this and it was just a typo, it’s source.

“Rachael now stood no less that four short feet from him.” CH1 – “that” used rather than “than.”

“Standing a few inches below his height, she walked with her back straight, almost majestically.” And “With a quick leap she lept off her horse and walked up to him.” CH1 – How can she walk while on her horse? -.o apparently some idea editing needs to be applied. ALSO: “lept” is actually spelled “leapt” (you are REALLY good at leaving letters out, aren’t you -.o) but then, on second thought, it told you she got off with a leap, so leapt would be repetitive.

“Searching every nook and crany…” CH1 – “crany” = “cranny”

““I… I’m not sure,” He spat out.” CH1 – “He” needs no capitalization.

“…dust lept into his eye…” CH1 – lept again (so it isn’t just a typo, eh? :P )

“Eryk’s eyebrow raised at the name.” CH1 – “raised” = “rose” just some grammar.

“Yes, Casus. That’s the one.” CH1 – I think rather than a period, a comma would do more for this statement, because “Casus” is an appositive (another name for some description, i.e. “That man over there, Bob.”).

Comment: your chapter is actually around 10-13 pages long, which is HUGE. (I can’t tell due to formatting problems… you press enter twice between each paragraph, but the space is unnecessary due to the use of indention.)

“he lept on it’s saddle.” CH1 – you really like “lept” and “it’s” when it’s actually possessive. (oo, pun -.o )

“Surprise lit up in Rachaels eyes…” CH1 – you and possession mix like oil and water. :D it’s “Rachael’s eyes”

“…symbol on their chestplate…” CH1 – seems like you also don’t mix with words that are two rather than one, but yet sound like only one. :p

Well, that’s a whole page in Word so…
END OF EDITS

Really?
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would i lie to you about that? :D
 
i can just imagine my post count if i did one edit per post =D

too bad that would have me
BANNED-1.gif
for U83R 1337 5P4M!!!1!111111!!1111!!!!1!1!!!111!!11!!!
 
Amicus Dei of [FoG] said:
Comment: your chapter is actually around 10-13 pages long, which is HUGE.
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My first chapter is 11 pages in MSWord at .5'' margins all around, 11 font (or 12, I can't remember), times new romans, and 1.5 spacing. Compared to a published novel at 320 words per page, it's about 19 pages long. Not too shabby :-D With chapters 1-14 I'm at about 190 pages long. Pimp. Glad you like the story. I'll post more chapters tomorrow for you and make those editingtationthingys
 
tjguitarz said:
My first chapter is 11 pages in MSWord at .5'' margins all around, 11 font (or 12, I can't remember), times new romans, and 1.5 spacing. Compared to a published novel at 320 words per page, it's about 19 pages long. Not too shabby :-D With chapters 1-14 I'm at about 190 pages long. Pimp. Glad you like the story. I'll post more chapters tomorrow for you and make those editingtationthingys
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most of the time books have like... 6-10 pages per chapter
yours has like 8 billion =D

but i won't complain, it's just that i haven't gotten to ch2 and i've done two pages worth of error correction, so it's a little slow x_x

by the way, i'm going to (try) to get everyone in HoH tonight for some PvPing (m3 <3 ' 5 pvp!!!) so i may not get many edits (i'll shoot for two pages worth this time =D )
 
there are 9 pages left to edit in just chapter one

my next post will hopefully be two pages worth of edits (this time, listed with bullets so i dont take as much room for double spacing...

this may take a few weeks at the rate i'm going x_x
 
• symbol on their chestplate – chest plate.
• began trying to outdue eachother – outdo and eachother
• Access is restricted to Archwizards – arch wizards = 2 words
• Each city is refered to as a Cornerstone – referred
• Anyways. Gabriel supported – anyways is not a word, anyway is correct (my dad obsesses over this -.-)
• council to deside who deserved victory – decide.
• Midspeech, a booming – mid-speech needs a hyphen, and also having “In mid-speech” is better.
• ball of wizards fire – wizard’s… the possession strikes again!
• The most vicous of the practices – vicious
• Every minute of non-complience – compliance not ence
• ancient symbol of defence – this one is DISPUTABLE. It is (in modern speech) defense, but in early english, it was spelled as you have it… since it says ancient, you could pass with defence.
• blood from a innocent magic animal – an not a. when using the a/an article, the following word (here: innocent) indicates it with the starting letter. Consonants at the beginning imply a and vowels imply an
• provided a type of defence – I don’t think this is disputable… maybe you’ve just confused the two spellings
• She said, unamused. – actually unamused = not a word. Just use “not amused”
• simply cancel eachother out – each other strikes again
• A question abrubtly – abruptly
• You sure are curious, aren’t you.” – should have question mark *cough* it is after all a question =D
• been told that the House of Riens faught – I assume this shouldn’t be plural… usually the House of Blah is not the House of Blahs… I haven’t figured out why or anything like that, it just is that way.
• Riens faught hard and – fought
• side stood sturdy dispite the raging – despite (another Latin root thing, de- and spite)
• it before, Eryk lept down a – lept owns you… leapt
• Cal is the head - ” All of a sudden, - usually this – is a --- (word perfect makes it into one long dash instead of three hyphens)
• of a sword behing drawn – you put an h in being
• ground after richocheting off – ricocheting, only one ch
• He faught the voice but – fought fights you back yet again. (oo pun!)
• decided in it’s favor – it’s not it’s, it’s ---its---. (MEGA PUN)
• A bloodcurling wail froze – bloodcurdling, you left out your d
• something happened no one expected – a good which would fit like a puzzle piece between happened and no

END OF EDITS
 
You are a genius. My hero. I'll make those changes as soon as I get my computer all fixed. I'm making the switch to Linux and without a good chunk of time, it'll take me a bit.
 
I just noticed there's a 5 star rank to this thread. What does that mean and how did it get there?

Does anyone want me to post new chapters? I've got 7, 8, and 9 ready to go. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, and 15 still need a little editing, but not too much. Let me know.
 
I've read through ch7, so I'll need more posted :)
I'm not someone to help you with your grammer, but I'll continue to make suggetions about your content.
Racheal's story really helps the story pick up. Good use of cliff hangers at the ends of chapters. Aside from the other suggestions I've made, nothing new at this point :)
 
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