a sad or happy update I dont know which

[MaidMirawyn]

Emotional abuse is an interesting subject. It's not like physical abuse or sexual abuse, where the provocation primarily lies with the aggressor, but in this case, many times, with the victim.
First, most emotional abuse is only potent if they victim lets it be. In large amounts or from people we love, it can be harder to defray. And if someone's really bad, removal might even be necessary.

Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse; it can even be worse than physical abuse. (We aren't talking the kind of physical abuse that can maim or kill.)

I lived with physical abuse for the first eighteen years of my life; I lived with emotional abuse for longer. I would have suffered twice the physical abuse I took if it meant I could escape the emotional abuse. And not a bit of it was my fault, or my sister's, or my brother's. It was my father's.

But ArchAngel is right: you can't let yourself be taken over by the victim mindset.

 

[soozun]

I lived with physical abuse for the first eighteen years of my life; I lived with emotional abuse for longer.

I am sorry that you had to go through that. Praise God you are married to a good man now. You seem like a very balanced person too. Praise Him.

 

[ArchAngel]

alright, I'll need to clear up a couple things.

first, I've never stated that it was entirely your fault. Almost every relationship issue has shared guilt. I'm not even claiming whose is greater.
But the only person whose actions you can control is your own. You can put the blame on your wife (not saying you are), but in the end, nothing will change for the better.
Conversely, taking unjust amounts of the blame for yourself will deteriorate the situation.

As with emotional abuse, I never meant to say it's not as bad as physical abuse. A word can last a person's life, while a bruise would heal in days. I was merely commenting on the origins.
Fact is, people pick on the runts. the sickly chick will get pecked to the death by the others. People don't abuse the alpha males, it's the little guy. And if your attitude about yourself is that you are the little guy, people will pick on the subtle hints in your mannerisms. Much of people's understand of society comes from the subconscious hints from other people. I could go on about it, but it's off topic.
Point is, you have the ability to avoid the damage of emotional abuse. You are not a victim.

I'm not going to offer advice about how your wife should be. She's not here. It'll do her no good and I doubt it'll do you much good either.
I'm doing my best to be edifying, even though it might come off as condescending and/or judgmental.

and MM, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Glad to see ended up with someone better than dear ol' dad.

 

[dorkelf]

In reference to the issue of emotional abuse, I cannot speak well to the subject. But in light of the direction of this thread I felt it important to research the matter, and I found the following article from Focus on the Family:

http://www.family.org/lifechallenges/A000002186.cfm

I think this is definitely worth reading. And I feel it important to point out that the article references and recommends a book entitled Boundaries—When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. As the title evidences, some degree of assertiveness, to the point of taking control by setting reasonable protective boundaries in a relationship, may be an appropriate and necessary step in overcoming an emotionally abusive situation. But as in all matters of abuse or emotional damage, though, it is very important that a professional, Christian therapist be involved (another strong point made in the article).

Paul

 

[ppar3566]

In reference to the issue of emotional abuse, I cannot speak well to the subject. But in light of the direction of this thread I felt it important to research the matter, and I found the following article from Focus on the Family
Paul

As a psychologist ( all-be-it a baby one) I am thrilled that this issue is being discussed in such a mature and sensible way. While we know the detrimental effects of emotional abuse neither the legal system nor the church at large has really come to grips with it yet which means many who are victims (I use the word advisable given the above discussion) are often left feeling pretty jaded. I think we do need to explore many of the questions and comments here but always in a manner that is supporting and loving to all those involved.

My two cents anyway

 

[mist_02]

Still praying.

 

[MaidMirawyn]

first, I've never stated that it was entirely your fault. Almost every relationship issue has shared guilt.

I don't believe this should be left unaddressed.

Abuse, whether emotional, physical, or sexual, is entirely the fault of the abuser. While it is normally true in relationships that both parties are partially guilty for the problems that arise, abuse is far from a healthy relationship. In abuse, the abuser is solely and exclusively guilty of that abuse. The victim is not to blame.

The victim, however, is responsible for whatever actions they choose to take. For instance, if they, years later, begin abusing someone, they are responsible for that behavior.

 

[ArchAngel]

I was referring to relationship issues, not abuse.

 

[MaidMirawyn]

Ah, good. Thanks for explaining.