Poetry / Songwriting..

[rizz]

Afternoon all, not entirely sure what the do and donts of this forum section are. I dont recall seeing it before in the old days. Anyway.. I have over the years been into a bit of songwriting/poetry.. I used to play the guitar and attempted to compose a few of them. Sadly just the lyrics remain.

I would appreciate critique, my command of the english language is poor at best and i suffer from trying to rhyme in perfect segments instead of just writing fluidly.

I am looking to try and inspire myself into writing some more, so any comments or guidance would be appreciated.

Please check out the selection on my website, its the third window i think.

 

[rizz]

Oh, i might add.. i havent looked at some of those in years so they may be complete poo. Aswell as my outlook on life may have changed somewhat. I generally write introspective, intense things about whats happening to me at the time.

 

[dorkelf]

I enjoyed reading through your poems and I plan to spend more time looking at them tomorrow (should have time during my 'teacher work day' to browse). I am wondering if there are a couple of specific poems you'd like to improve that I could critique for you? I'm very good a critiquing poetry - much better than actually writing it myself.

Although I'm not 'in charge' of this writing forum any longer, I can definitely say that you are very welcome to post your poetry here. If you wish you can even create your own writer's thread that I can get stickied (like the others you see). I hope you'll decide to try your hand at various types of writing you may see others posting - short fiction, 55-word flash fiction, haiku, etc.

Paul

 

[rizz]

Baby steps, baby steps.. I'd like to get back into it. I always struggle to get the things in my head on paper.

As for which to look at, i think they are in rough chronological order, so maybe the end few. I am not too fussed really, just name the one you want to rip apart.

 

[Durruck]

I looked through several of them. While I had trouble identifying with some of them, nothing "sucked." But then again, I'm not much a critic. Art either tickles my fancy or it doesn't. I can appreciate that it means the world to you (and others, no doubt) while not stirring my emotions.

With that in mind, here are my general impressions.

Since you listed them as songs, I tried to imagine how they'd be played. The first thing that stuck out to me is I had no idea about your inspirations, music tastes, etc - so is there any particular style or speed for any of them? I tried to imagine them being played/sang to the style and speed of Anberlin's Dismantle.Repair (for what little that's worth) If you have music info, I'd like to hear/see what you've got. I've got a bit of indie stuff on my mp3 playlist because I like hearing amateur music.

Also from the song perspective, while the rhyming is important, I found a few of the words far to difficult to pronounce, much less sing - then again, I was hooked on phonics and it really messed me up.

 

[cc.slim]

wOOt! You had five or six I liked. I felt on the really good ones you left me incomplete. Kinda like left out butterflies. I'm real bad about not waiting on his finishing touch which in my writing here should indicate. But me is growin!! Wuz just a bit ago this was a very small box and now hehehe a much bigger box! Now, Please O Please Tell me a story!

 

[rizz]

Thanks for the input. I had a few ideas about writing some short stories and stuff.. Time will decide for me though.

As for influences. I grew up listening to heavy metal like Fear Factory. Machine Head, Meshuggah etc.. but binned my CDs upon conversion. Now i am more into the industrial, electronic, underground stuff. While i dont agree with his worldview, i admire the talent, songwriting abilty and skill of Trent Reznor, along with his mission to free the music industry. Probably how the imagery on most of the titles is dark, usually with a redeeming segment near the end.

Now i listen to all sorts of music, all christian if i can help it. Hopefully it will reflect in my new work..lol

 

[rizz]

Ok, gonna try and write something. I have an idea.. just gonna start typing...

Last Man.

Sunrise. Streams of light brush away the gloom in my fortification. This ruin of a church where God used to dwell. He would find no pleasure here in this time. Yet this is my place, this is safety. Wishing that maybe some divine protection holds me from that which all around me have suffered.

The decision again. To balance the need for food with the danger of venturing from my place of refuge. The window shows the same desolation it has for such a long time now. The invisible tracks of people who left in haste and the visible remains of those who could not. The remains of both strewn around in some apocalyptic city graveyard. Still, man must eat. I have to venture out there again.

My hands. The fingernails blackening like some gothic apparition from the infection. The inevetability that my fate is shared with the rest of creation. As time is short, the hope that God is still aware of this location. That he will speed me away on angels wings.

Not sure i managed to get out what i intended. Tried to keep it short, vague yet precise.

 

[rizz]

Ok had another quick one..

The box.

How curious this item is. This small box laying there on the table. It should have been gift-wrapped though it would not have made it any less enticing. What could it contain? The mind takes me on a million avenues of hope and wonder as to the contents of this tiny case. The instruction is not to touch, yet is calls out to me and glows with an irredescent hue. Pulsing slowly as if drawing me in by some invisible noose. How could such an inanimate thing torture my soul with such ferocity? It just lies there, wishing that someone would caress it. Urging me to open it and discover the magic inside. Surely turning away should break the its venomous hold. Yet it remains futile as the image of the box follows me wherever i go. Haunting my vision when my eyes close. This is unbearable, i must know what is inside! I cannot resist...