Chapter Challenge: A Watched Pot Never Boils

Taledin

New Member
I'm not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed so I couldn't figure out how to get the indention in there so it's sloppy on here. -_- wish I could get it to look like it does on OpenOffice. And this is a rough Draft so It's got Lots of errors. I'll shut up, sorry.
To be honest, I was not going to write this. There are so many disappointment and tragedies. However, I have a few people to thank for inspiring me to put this story on paper. Taylor(my brother), Jeremy and Joe(The friends who never left me in the dark), my mom and dad, and the people on the Christan Gamers Alliance. Thank you all. Even though some of you have no idea why you were included I have my reasons. Much Trif love.


1

June 28, 1989, the year I was born. I don't know much about my past. I was told that when I was born, I was born into an evil house. From what I can remember I can understand why many people would say this. My biological mother was no less than a whore. There had been five children by her (myself included) and three other men. One girl and four boys, Justin being the oldest. Justin, he was the worst off simply because he happened to be old enough to remember what terrifying events took place before the state of Georgia took us away. One event I remember, it will never escape my mind in a million years, he was trying to reach up and grab some food off of my mother's plate (because who knows how long it had been sense we had last eaten) and she jumped up from the chair she was sitting in, threw the plate against the wall and grabbed poor Justin by the throat and pinned him to the wall. It is sad, ha, that I was only about one and a half years old and I remember something like this.
Yes, a house of evil. I do not doubt this. Three fathers, who I have only met one, and four siblings; Justin, who I have already mentioned, Britney, who I have known for the longest out of the four and who is the second oldest, Jason coming in third and then Jonathan after myself. Justin, Jonathan and Jason I have never had an opportunity to actually form a relationship with. I currently have no information on their whereabouts. Britney, though, is living with my biological father. I have met him and he has, indeed, cleaned up his act. However, I disapprove of her decision. Her mind is clouded by Bipolar Disorder so she has a tendency to make rash decisions with no disregard for the consequences. I sound as if I am getting off track, however, I am simply bringing the fact to your attention that now the family has almost fallen apart at this point. I still have hope.
In July, 1991, I have no recollection of the events taking place, though, I have been told the story several times. The state of Georgia had taken us from that terrible home and set the five of us children up for adoption. It was not long after that a couple, who had a child the age of five, came into the agency and signed the papers to receive my sister and I. They owned a house in the Pinelog, GA Mountains. I remember so much from that home. When you enter the driveway you were instantly surrounded by beautiful trees and a gravel path lead the way for almost one forth of a mile to the carport. New people, who I have known ever sense as Grandmama and Grandfather, lived in a log cabin up the street. We visited often. One of my fondest memories of living in Pinelog was The Blizzard of 92. From what my adoptive parents have told me the blizzard caused most of the main roads to close down and the power to go out.
I remember my dad, Patric, and his brother, Uncle Michael, driving tractors up the driveway, moving snow as they progressed up the hill. I also remember the day after when my mom, Susan, took Taylor, Britney and I outside to play in the snow. I was only three but my mom tried to teach me how to make a snowman anyway. She was just that way and she still is. I remember Taylor throwing snowballs at the Redhouse. Redhouse was the name of our home. It is funny how such troubling times can bring families together.
In mid 1994, times started to become problematic as far as money. We were forced to move out and into a house on a street called Brooklyn Drive. This house was next to my mom's mother's house. The house was located in a nice neighborhood in Cartersville, GA. It was here that I began school for the first time. Cartersville Primary School was the name. Britney had been diagnosed with Bipolar one year prior to the move and my parents, I guess, assumed that I would be Bipolar as well. I was put on Lithium as well as my sister and I was put into Special Needs classes. I was young and was unaware of what “Special Needs” was. Years later I came to find out the meaning.
I do not remember much from my first year in in school, however, I do remember my second year enough to remember that I had one of the most renowned teachers in the Barto County School System. Her name was Mrs. Zimmer and she never gave up on me. Even after I the doctor said I had been diagnosed with ADD. For two years I attended Cartersville Primary School and then we moved again. Our destination was Atlanta.
 
I like this start; it gives good background information and sets up for a possibly interesting story.

Also, your tone is conversational, it feels like i'm sitting down in a room with the narrator as he explains his life story directly to me, instead of at me. This makes the story more engaging, and allows the reader to almost hear your emotions, whether you explain how you actually felt or not.

I would like to point out some simple errors, which you may want to correct soon [or not; you don't have to correct them ;)]. (See the spoiler.)
Right off the bat, I like the blunt fragment. (I like starting with short, blunt sentences [although I don't use fragments in my writing, but it fits this particular book] with which to bash my reader into a suspenseful/mysterious mood. ;) )
Unfortunately, you mentioned a date and called it a year... Call it day, birthday, or whatever else floats your boat, or exclude the month and date and just leave it as a year :). You decide! :p

"From what I can remember I can understand," needs a comma after "remember," to separate the clauses.

"came into the agency and signed the papers to receive my sister and I," in the third paragraph. When the first person pronoun is used as the direct object (it receives the action), it is "me" rather than "I." I'm sure you knew this, but just made the simple mistake (which is very easy to do). The way to remember this, if you're using another noun or pronoun with it in a list, is to remove the nouns/pronouns and the extra things that go with them (commas, conjunctions, articles, etc.)...
Ex: "signed the papers to receive my sister and I." = "signed the papers to receive I"
The word "I" doesn't fit, but "me" would:
"signed the papers to receive my sister and me" = "signed the papers to receive me"

Usually that error is common because teachers drill into us the idea that other names should go before the first person pronoun, yet they only use examples where the list is the subject.

"New people, who I have known ever sense as Grandmama and Grandfather"
Homophones, words that sound the same, but are spelled and defined differently, are often not interchangeable, as in this sentence. The word that sounds like "sense" that you were looking for was "since," since you are using "sense" as an adverb to describe the time in which you've known the new people. :p

"There had been five children by her (myself included) and three other men."
I suggest revising this to make it smoother. Currently, the parenthetical phrase seems to put a bump in it, and you can steamroll it down in a variety of ways. I suggest using, "There had been five children between her and three separate men." However, there are at least 1829561980561 ways to make it sound better and still get the point across that you were one of her five sons from a total of three different fathers. You could move the parenthetical information to the beginning as a dependent clause, also... It's your book, so pick something that fits you but makes the reading a little smoother. If you notice, I tend to [overuse] my parentheses (and brackets, but that's a separate story). Of course, my parenthetical phrases seem to be part of the sentence that is mentioned, but not quite as important (unless for some reason I want to hint at something, in which case the parentheses are used to emphasize).

Sorry if my praying mantis eye on grammar has overloaded you, but I tend to have a slightly obsessive compulsive outlook on mostly correct English. ;) (You'll note that I don't make a very big deal out of using prepositions with their objects mentioned before them [usually at the ends of sentences -- Ex: "Where are you at?"], even though it is actually grammatically incorrect. [It should be "At where are you?" or simply "Where are you?" omitting the preposition.] Most authors tend to trash that rule and move on with their lives.

I may have missed a few things (with homework preventing me from my precious computer time), but that should provide a little help with editing.

And please, whatever you do, don't let my criticism discourage you. I think you've got great talent (and that's only a first draft; you may know these things and simply have skipped them). Furthermore, thanks for taking the challenge (which I hope to do soon [if school doesn't impede still])! I look forward to next week's entry. :3
 
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I do not find your criticism discouraging, instead, I have taken what information you have offered me and put it to use. Thank you for helping me. =) I so badly want to be an author, however, I have not had the educational opportunities that a lot of other people have. As a result of this, I accept any helpful criticism.

And also, I look forward to reading some of your recent writes. Thanks again and enjoy the rest of your night.
 
I enjoyed it too. I was really sucked right in from the beginning. Like Mr. ADOF said in his post, it's like a conversation and one I want to read more of. Keep them coming!
 
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