Writing Assignment: Due 9/8/06

[dorkelf]

Please read the submission and critique guidelines in the stickied threads before posting to this thread or pm'ing your submission. Also keep in mind that off-topic posts are prohibited on this thread.

The assignment for this week is: Create a story which features the following objects: A pencil, a dune buggy and a seismograph (instrument for detecting earthquakes).

Entries must be pm'ed to be on or before 9/8/06. They will be posted here anonymously as they're received.

Voting will open by 9/11 and will take place until Friday, 9/15. All critiques must be submitted by the 15th and the next assignment will be posted on that date. Feel free to pm me with any questions.

Paul

 

[dorkelf]

Entry #1 - Untitled

I was riding in my dune buggy on the beach one afternoon. For some unknown reason there was nobody to be seen. I was trying to figure out why but I had spent the whole day in front of the computer, posting and catching up on the CGA Forums, so I kind of had no idea what was happening around me! I was riding along having a good ole time. I hadn’t seemed to realize that the sky was getting dark and that it was beginning to thunder. I was just enjoying the ride! Suddenly I felt something really weird, felt like the dune buggy was leaning down. So I got out to check and noticed that somehow a pencil had gotten in one of my tires, and it was flat. I didn’t think it was a big deal since I was on the beach and really enjoying myself. As soon as I said out loud that it didn’t matter to me if it was raining….the skies opened and down came rain, big rain drops, cold rain drops, a lot of rain drops. I was standing there, on the beach, by my dune buggy with a pencil stuck in its wheel…thinking what now? I got my seismograph out and held it up in the air. Then I looked at the sky and looked at the seismograph and said ‘what the heck are you thinking, this isn’t going to help you now.’ So I put the seismograph down and just decided to stand there with my arms stretched out, feeling the rain totally and completely cleanse me. I figured that it was probably all part of God’s plan so I just figured, might as well praise Him in this storm!

 

[dorkelf]

Entry #2 - Herman the Great

There once was a man named Herman,
Who happened to be Californian.

He liked to drive a dune buggy,
Even though it was quite ugly.

One fine day on the streets of L.A.,
He found himself in a delay.

To work he would be very late!
Nothing would get him out of this fate!

He listened to the radio on his way.
Nothing seemed to be okay.

The newscaster reported with a fright,
“Have an earthquake, so we might!”

Afraid his small vehicle would not last,
Herman started driving too fast.

He mightn’t arrive to work, even late,
Because he was on a seismic plate.

The reporter said the seismographs
Were reading out at three-and-a-half!

Although this wasn’t much of a quake,
It could raise and rattle the whole state!

So Herman drove along with haste,
Hoping this was not a waste.

Then the reporter announced quite loud,
“Everyone must take cover now!”

Herman stopped in fear of this,
As the earth began to turn and twist.

He grabbed a pencil and wrote to his wife,
Saying that he may wind up losing his life.

“Oh dear beloved woman,
I am a grave, grave human!
“This may be the end of me,
As my car falls on me!”

And high up the dune bug rose,
Falling down on poor Herman’s bones.

He screamed of pain, bleeding fast,
But lifted the bug and arose at last.

The quaking finally subdued,
And Herman the Great made it through!

 

[dorkelf]

I was riding in my dune buggy on the beach one afternoon. For some unknown reason there was nobody to be seen. I was trying to figure out why but I had spent the whole day in front of the computer, posting and catching up on the CGA Forums, so I kind of had no idea what was happening around me! I was riding along having a good ole time. I hadn’t seemed to realize that the sky was getting dark and that it was beginning to thunder. I was just enjoying the ride! Suddenly I felt something really weird, felt like the dune buggy was leaning down. So I got out to check and noticed that somehow a pencil had gotten in one of my tires, and it was flat. I didn’t think it was a big deal since I was on the beach and really enjoying myself. As soon as I said out loud that it didn’t matter to me if it was raining….the skies opened and down came rain, big rain drops, cold rain drops, a lot of rain drops. I was standing there, on the beach, by my dune buggy with a pencil stuck in its wheel…thinking what now? I got my seismograph out and held it up in the air. Then I looked at the sky and looked at the seismograph and said ‘what the heck are you thinking, this isn’t going to help you now.’ So I put the seismograph down and just decided to stand there with my arms stretched out, feeling the rain totally and completely cleanse me. I figured that it was probably all part of God’s plan so I just figured, might as well praise Him in this storm!

Ooo, you do have a gift for humorous prose. Your wording really matched the surreal craziness of your story, and I really enjoyed this one.

To me the tagline at the end seemed just a bit out of place. Maybe you felt that you had to mention God somewhere - but though I'm always in favor of bringing God into the equation I think it isn't the right time to do it at the end of your story. Instead I would have liked to see a humorous kick at the end, something unexpected. Now, the sudden appearance of a seismograph in your POV character's hands - THAT is definitely an unexpected and humorous stroke, but it leads me to expect a similarly interesting twist at the end of the story.

Very nice, highly recommended seller A++++++, hey I've been using Ebay way too much lately...

Paul

 

[dorkelf]

There once was a man named Herman,
Who happened to be Californian.

He liked to drive a dune buggy,
Even though it was quite ugly.

One fine day on the streets of L.A.,
He found himself in a delay.

To work he would be very late!
Nothing would get him out of this fate!

He listened to the radio on his way.
Nothing seemed to be okay.

The newscaster reported with a fright,
“Have an earthquake, so we might!”

Afraid his small vehicle would not last,
Herman started driving too fast.

He mightn’t arrive to work, even late,
Because he was on a seismic plate.

The reporter said the seismographs
Were reading out at three-and-a-half!

Although this wasn’t much of a quake,
It could raise and rattle the whole state!

So Herman drove along with haste,
Hoping this was not a waste.

Then the reporter announced quite loud,
“Everyone must take cover now!”

Herman stopped in fear of this,
As the earth began to turn and twist.

He grabbed a pencil and wrote to his wife,
Saying that he may wind up losing his life.

“Oh dear beloved woman,
I am a grave, grave human!
“This may be the end of me,
As my car falls on me!”

And high up the dune bug rose,
Falling down on poor Herman’s bones.

He screamed of pain, bleeding fast,
But lifted the bug and arose at last.

The quaking finally subdued,
And Herman the Great made it through!

And yet another excellent display of humor. My, we're going to have fun with this contest.

I really enjoyed the poem and the humorous fiddling-around with words to make it rhyme was perfectly in sync with the timbre of your story. I was a bit mystified by your conclusion though - throughout your story I developed an image of Herman as a normal guy, afraid of the earthquake and in a hurry to escape it. But lo he does the superman thing at the end, surviving his car falling on top of him and even lifting it back off of himself. Maybe Herman just doesn't know he's some kind of super-human - but if so, I'd like to see a hint somewhere earlier that he might be. Otherwise I hate to say it, but I think it would be more appropriate for Herman to buy the farm at the end of your story - either that or for something very odd and unexpected to happen to him.

Again great work, nice to see a poem so early in the contest.

Paul

 

[vibrokatana]

quintuplets! I must break up this madness

[edit/note from Dorkelf - remember, I intercept and repost entries so they can be anonymous - and also remember please, we've got to keep contest threads free of spam, so no more contest-unrelated responses in this thread please - critiques and comments about contest entries only. Thanks!]

 

[Amicus Dei of [FoG]]

I see that the poem that was submitted seems to explain in the title that Herman is "great," but I also see what you mean, dorkelf. The author certainly could have put in something more than just the story line, maybe literary devices like foreshadowing... Well, actually, the seimograph readings foreshadow a little... but that's different.

The first entry is quite interesting. Very funny. It's interesting how the pencil is on the beach... because most people don't work on a beach, obviously. But since it's a very random piece, the pencil does fit quite well... The author obviously thought it up along the way; but it may have dulled the humor had he/she planned out the plot through pre-writing, as an author of a book might.

(P.S. I think I know who wrote these, but I'm not telling )

 

[dorkelf]

Entry #3 - Untitled

There once was a buggy named Joe
Who decided to get up and go
Cause he felt the quake comin'
The device was a-hummin'
The pencil's lines said don't move slow!

 

[dorkelf]

Sunset atop a mesa (non-entry)

[Note - this story is longer than 300 words - if the author pms me with a revision before the end of the contest I'll edit this and make it an official entry in the contest]

Only a hour left of daylight I thought as I hurried myself to finish the last of the photographs of Anasazi Indian Kiva 370 and stop by c sector seismograph station to change the paper. I click a picture of the land surrounding the kiva and then a picture of the hole in the ground that is six feet deep and twelve feet around of the kiva itself. As I stand on the edge of the kiva I look down into the religious heart of the Anasazi Indians I begin to snap shots of the six pillars that once held ceremonial objects and signified the six directions of north,east,south,west, up and down.then I swing the camera down at the floor towards the fire pit and the Sipapu aka the hole through which man crawled up thru to the fourth world. Hmm I remember the sayings that world one was destroyed by fire, two by ice and three by flood and that the kiva was to show how pleased they were in this world. There the last picture taken and I hurriedly gathered up my tools and tossed them in the dune buggy to head over to the seismograph station to change paper and to log out. As I drive I think of the Anasazi and how they used the ladder to leave the kiva and how the blessed were given the ladder to go thru the Sipapu.Seven hundred years they lived and so few skeletons for the number of people and for the amount of time here. Just where did they go? They left no writings to tell us where they went or why. Few minutes left before sunset and there is the seismograph station.I slid the dune buggy to a sliding halt, jumped out and ran over to the seismograph station, lifted the lid pulled the old paper out and replaced the paper. I rose up and walked over to the log book box and lifted the lid so I could sign paper out and sign in the new and to my surprise no pencil. I turned and kicked dust as I walked back to the dune buggy to get a pencil for the seismograph log book. Done I say my day is done except for the drive back to the report site. Before I crawl into the dune buggy I turn and face the west as the sun slowly fades below the mesa and think of those who admired this sunset before me. I ponder on the thought of those that lack the ladder to leave this world and how I might help them to the ladder and show them the Sipapu.

 

[dorkelf]

The Seismograph (non-entry)

Sometimes I can't resist trying the assignment myself, but of course I will always submit my entry publically and not as a contest entry. This current assignment (Dune Buggy, Pencil, Seismograph) is one I used when I ran this contest before, and I created the following entry for it (which I've recently edited slightly to improve the wording):

Bertram had always had a strange affinity for scientific instruments. There was something about them that attracted him, enticed him in a way that was difficult to quantify. His own home was filled with various oscilloscopes, microscopes, even a huge, antique typesetting computer in his basement that his father had originally bought from government surplus. 8-inch disk drive, blaring amber monochrome screen. A completely obsolete piece of equipment, but he'd spent countless hours playing with it as a child, pulling up mundane print jobs stored on the disks and pretending he was accessing secret government information. To preserve this delicious delusion of childhood, he'd refrained in latter years from popping in the discs and viewing the bland, ordinary stuff that he had actually been accessing as a child. In fact, the monster hadn't even been turned on for years. But he could just never bear to get rid of it. It stirred up so much emotion whenever he looked at it. Dumping it would be like dumping a family member. And at 94 years of age, his instruments were all the family Bertram had left.

He leaned over a much smaller, modern, sophisticated little machine, watching the flicker of a small, pencil-shaped stylus. The
quiet hum and the whisping sound of the stylus marking a path across paper were soothing to him. Though some part of him was in touch with the reality that caused the stylus to flutter - dune-buggy sized and larger chunks of asteroid smashing into the earth – the rest of him was lulled into a complacent feeling that this was the right manner for his death. Others would spend their last moments watching news broadcasts, making love, praying. But for him, the company of friends was appropriate.

Goodbye, dear seismograph.

 

[dorkelf]

Entry #4 - Untitled

Woody could tell that the day was going to be special when he woke up. He got out of bed and started his normal morning routines: doing a crossword, balancing his checkbook, and getting all the fuzz off his head. He wanted to go for a ride today. His roommate always had the keys to the dune buggy, and so he couldn’t get a ride without him. His roommate always seemed to have all the fun and be in control of everything in Woody’s life. Woody didn’t mind though. He was not a take charge sort of guy.
Woody lived high on a tabletop plateau. It seemed like there were always earthquakes were he lived. He always wished he had access to a seismograph, but that just wasn’t his lot in life. He knew the frequent earthquakes were a result of the four shaky legs of his plateau. The dog would run by and it would shake, or a door would slam and once again he would feel like he needed to hang on for dear life.
That all changed on this day though. Woody was right that today was going to stand out among all the days of his life. His roommate picked him up (so he did get to ride in the dune buggy after all) and drove a long while. His roommate stopped to get gas, and Woody fell out of the car onto the pavement! Then his roommate drove off without him. Woody didn’t mind though. He was excited to have this new experience. Here he was, only a small pencil, in a great big world. He did not know what would happen next, but he couldn’t wait to find out.

 

[Shyfroggy]

Woody could tell that the day was going to be special when he woke up. He got out of bed and started his normal morning routines: doing a crossword, balancing his checkbook, and getting all the fuzz off his head. He wanted to go for a ride today. His roommate always had the keys to the dune buggy, and so he couldn’t get a ride without him. His roommate always seemed to have all the fun and be in control of everything in Woody’s life. Woody didn’t mind though. He was not a take charge sort of guy.
Woody lived high on a tabletop plateau. It seemed like there were always earthquakes were he lived. He always wished he had access to a seismograph, but that just wasn’t his lot in life. He knew the frequent earthquakes were a result of the four shaky legs of his plateau. The dog would run by and it would shake, or a door would slam and once again he would feel like he needed to hang on for dear life.
That all changed on this day though. Woody was right that today was going to stand out among all the days of his life. His roommate picked him up (so he did get to ride in the dune buggy after all) and drove a long while. His roommate stopped to get gas, and Woody fell out of the car onto the pavement! Then his roommate drove off without him. Woody didn’t mind though. He was excited to have this new experience. Here he was, only a small pencil, in a great big world. He did not know what would happen next, but he couldn’t wait to find out.

AWESOME...you had me thinking one thing and then in the end what I was thinking was totally wrong....I love how you got us thinking in one direction and then surprised us in the end. Only after re-reading was like 'oh yeah'...then I could see all the clues ahead of time. Great job...Great writer.

 

[dorkelf]

Entry #5 - Sunset atop a mesa

[Dorkelf's note - I decided to leave the previous longer version posted to allow people to read both versions and see how the author revised the story. Do you think the shorter version is better? I do.]

Only an hour of daylight as I hurry to finish the photographs of Anasazi Indian Kiva 370 and stop by c sector seismograph station to change the paper. I photograph a hole that is six feet deep and twelve feet around of the kiva itself. As I stand on the edge of the kiva I look down into the religious heart of the Anasazi Indians. I snap shots of the six pillars that once held ceremonial objects and signified the six directions of north,east,south,west, up and down. I snap shots of the fire pit and the Sipapu aka the hole through which man crawled up thru to the fourth world. I remember the sayings that world one was destroyed by fire, two by ice and three by flood. I crawled into the dune buggy to drive to the seismograph station to change paper. As I drive I think of the Anasazi and how the blessed were given the ladder to go thru the Sipapu. Seven hundred years they lived here and so few skeletons for the number of people. Just where did they go? They left no writings to tell us where they went or why. I slid the dune buggy to a halt, walked over to the seismograph station. I walked over to the log book so I could sign out and to my surprise no pencil. I kicked dust as I walked back to the dune buggy to get a pencil. Before I crawled into the dune buggy I turned to face the west as the sun slowly fades below the mesa and think of those who admired this sunset before me. I think of those that lack the ladder to leave this world and how I might help them to the ladder and show them the Sipapu

 

[notashamed]

There once was a man named Herman,
Who happened to be Californian.

He liked to drive a dune buggy,
Even though it was quite ugly.

One fine day on the streets of L.A.,
He found himself in a delay.

To work he would be very late!
Nothing would get him out of this fate!

He listened to the radio on his way.
Nothing seemed to be okay.

The newscaster reported with a fright,
“Have an earthquake, so we might!”

Afraid his small vehicle would not last,
Herman started driving too fast.

He mightn’t arrive to work, even late,
Because he was on a seismic plate.

The reporter said the seismographs
Were reading out at three-and-a-half!

Although this wasn’t much of a quake,
It could raise and rattle the whole state!

So Herman drove along with haste,
Hoping this was not a waste.

Then the reporter announced quite loud,
“Everyone must take cover now!”

Herman stopped in fear of this,
As the earth began to turn and twist.

He grabbed a pencil and wrote to his wife,
Saying that he may wind up losing his life.

“Oh dear beloved woman,
I am a grave, grave human!
“This may be the end of me,
As my car falls on me!”

And high up the dune bug rose,
Falling down on poor Herman’s bones.

He screamed of pain, bleeding fast,
But lifted the bug and arose at last.

The quaking finally subdued,
And Herman the Great made it through!

I liked the rhymn pattern, and I thought the story the poem was telling was very good. I liked the ending and Herman living in the end. I didn't think he was going to when the dune buggy feel on his bones. The story was very compelling. Great job!

 

[MaidMirawyn]

That all changed on this day though. Woody was right that today was going to stand out among all the days of his life. His roommate picked him up (so he did get to ride in the dune buggy after all) and drove a long while. His roommate stopped to get gas, and Woody fell out of the car onto the pavement! Then his roommate drove off without him. Woody didn’t mind though. He was excited to have this new experience. Here he was, only a small pencil, in a great big world. He did not know what would happen next, but he couldn’t wait to find out.

I really liked the twist. The clues throughout it were great: led you in one direction, but looking back made total sense! The perspective was fun, and the voice was perfect for Woody (liked the name, by the way).

I especially liked "tabletop plateau." You get everyone thinking that tabletop is a metaphor, describing the literal plateau...but then we find out it was a literal tabletop, metaphorically a plateau!

You might want to work on "getting all the fuzz off his head." It reads oddly the first time through, though it makes sense the second time.

 

[MaidMirawyn]

I was riding in my dune buggy on the beach one afternoon. For some unknown reason there was nobody to be seen. I was trying to figure out why but I had spent the whole day in front of the computer, posting and catching up on the CGA Forums, so I kind of had no idea what was happening around me! I was riding along having a good ole time. I hadn’t seemed to realize that the sky was getting dark and that it was beginning to thunder. I was just enjoying the ride! Suddenly I felt something really weird, felt like the dune buggy was leaning down. So I got out to check and noticed that somehow a pencil had gotten in one of my tires, and it was flat. I didn’t think it was a big deal since I was on the beach and really enjoying myself. As soon as I said out loud that it didn’t matter to me if it was raining….the skies opened and down came rain, big rain drops, cold rain drops, a lot of rain drops. I was standing there, on the beach, by my dune buggy with a pencil stuck in its wheel…thinking what now? I got my seismograph out and held it up in the air. Then I looked at the sky and looked at the seismograph and said ‘what the heck are you thinking, this isn’t going to help you now.’ So I put the seismograph down and just decided to stand there with my arms stretched out, feeling the rain totally and completely cleanse me. I figured that it was probably all part of God’s plan so I just figured, might as well praise Him in this storm!

The random craziness of this story just screams CGA! So appropriate. The beginning is a bit repetitive, though (overuse of ride/riding), but overall I love it. Good use of the pencil (poor dune buggy) and the rain is a nice touch (hey, I love playing in the rain). The abrupt insertion of a seismograph into the scene is a good choice, too, very much in keeping with the overall tone.

I do have to agree with Paul about the ending, though; it seems a bit forced. But overall, wonderfully amusing. (I also agree he's been using eBay too much, but that's another story... )

 

[dorkelf]

The submission period has now expired and a poll has now been attached to this thread. The poll will close automatically 6 days from now, which I'd presume to mean Friday night. Be sure to vote for your favorite before then, and remember if you entered that you're expected to critique at least one other entry before voting closes. Of course, voting and critiquing are completely open to everyone, not just contest participants.

The winning entry of each contest will be posted on a seperate weblog devoted to this contest - more on that shortly.

Paul

[Edit - I had two entry #3's so I had to re-order, please check carefully to make sure you're voting for the correct entry number. Thanks!]

 

[Amicus Dei of [FoG]]

looks like nobody really wants to vote... even though they commented.

VOTE NOW!

(i refrain from voting because i would naturally vote for... myself.)

 

[cc.slim]

I can't critique anyone I can only applaud each and every entry.Awsome jobs by everyone who submitted!!!

 

[cc.slim]

What? To vote one must critique? Hehehehe I do have a critique and thats one of where's the message? Who are we and whom are we to reach if and only if these story's move further than this server! I say focus not on server and not on world but on Christ whom saved all of us from a never ending death! I am a reader and a goob but I do know whom I live for and who's message is important! I do love the stories! I do not pay your bills so my voice means little but with this I get to vote wOOt!!! p.s I do love the stories and plz plz write more!!!