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This is going to be a long, cynical post, so bear with me or don't bear at all.
Y'know...I have to wonder about the "righteousness" of people in the Bible, and sometimes the righteousness of actions of God.
A girl got me to questioning that with some interesting arguments.
So there's Adam, and there's Eve, and then there is The LORD. And Eve gets hungry for knowledge, and some being tells her that this fruit here is really tasty, and hey, it's the Divine Fruit, you get to become LIKE GOD. So of course she eats it, knowing full well this is disobedience. So she's cursed to death immediately, and Adam, who's with her, is like, "Huh? Oh, hey, food. Waaait, Eve. Isn't this the no-no tree? It is? Oh well. God, you say? I get to be like God? Mmkay. CHOMP." Death curse. Then God comes around and says, "Yo dudes. What just happened? Where are youuu?" "Uhm. Here. God. Look...uh..." "Why are you hiding?" "(Bursting into tears) I'm naked and ashamed and this WOMAN thing you gave me made me eat so I did and oh God I'm sorry sorry, please don't kill me!" "Woman, what's this?" "Uh...the SNAKE! HE made me eat it." "Uh-huh. Okay, so snake, since you have no alibi, I curse you forever. Just because I don't like snakes. And also woman, I want you to suffer when your pelvis parts for kids, and also to long after your husband. Man, I want you to sweat for your food from now on. Okay, y'all can go now."
So why did God curse the snake without getting the snake's explanation? "It wasssss Sssssatan." "Ah. Satan...what is this you have done?" "Is that a joke?"
Why did God just say, "Okay, because of you, the earth suffers, because I want to make life hard for you, and also, the snake suffers, even though I had to ask YOU to figure out what just happened, but not the snake."
And then when they're done being cursed and Adam finally decides to name his wife right after being kicked out, because, hey, she's the Mother of All, they get to baby-making and out come Abel and Cain, for sure, and I suspect many more kids that weren't mentioned (or else, why would Cain freak out later on that he was going to be instantly killed by his parents?). So it comes time for a sacrifice to God, and Abel gets a fat sheep and Cain gets the stuff he's sweated over: crops. And yet, for some weird reason, God's displeased. Now you'd think with the OT's love for detail, it would go into every single reason why God didn't like Cain's, but liked Abel's. Was it because Abel was younger, sweeter and when not with the sheep was with his parents? Was it because Cain wasn't with his parents and his brother and preferred the fields and isolation?
WHY did God say, "Screw your sacrifice, Cain. I know you worked a lot harder than Abel did to get me a stupid sheep that would walk off a cliff if it could, but I like that kind of blind devotion." So he smiles on Abel but not on Cain, and freaking surprise surprise, Cain gets MAD! WOW! Imagine that. God just dissed your hard work and you're upset! Geez! Didn't see it coming!
Why would God do that? There's no reason for him to have been displeased with Cain's sacrifice, unless it was because he cursed the earth specifically, and not just the animals. Then, why would he desire a crop offering as well from the Hebrews along with blood? Why was he not upset that they gave him anything at all? "Geez, didn'y A and E tell you ANYTHING? I cursed the world! I don't want your sacrifices! Sheep! Gross! They'd walk into a wood chipper if it was big enough! Crops! Stupid! All they do is feed you! I cursed them all anyways! What are y'all giving me these for? Get lost!"
But noooo...he's pleased with a sheep and not with the crops.
Why?
So we have Noah who's the only righteous guy in the world, and there's a load of people on there by now, and they may or may not be giving it up to spirits for a good time.
So Noah builds a boat and drifts away to watch as his world gets completely destroyed, and he probably watches with tears. Who wouldn't?
Then it's dry, and the first thing he does after sacrificing to God, is, of course, make alcohol! Life isn't complete without wine or booze. So he gets drunk and gets nekkid and then his son waltzes in on him, does a 180 and goes and tells his brothers, who walk in backwards to cover him up, for some weird reason.
So Noah wakes up and someone probably tattled to him what Ham "did" and so in his hangover rage curses Ham forever and ever, amen, but blesses Shem and Japheth.
Now, what gets me is this: WHY would he curse his son who didn't do anything?
Is that why he cursed him? For doing nothing? Did he curse him for not covering his dad and not worrying about it? Did he curse him for coming into his tent without knocking? If that's the case, then why didn't he curse his other two sons, because they did the same? Did he curse Ham for seeing him naked? Well, that's not fair, because the other two guys got away with knowledge that he was, so they walked in backwards for respect or something like that.
Why would Noah spaz with such a severe punishment like that?
Then we have Sodom and Gomorrah, and lo, after Abraham bugs the heck outta God with his consistent wheedling, he gets the kill factor down to ten. "If there's ten righteous in those cities, I won't send them straight to Sheol." "Cool. Thanks. Now, Lord, I hope you don't see this as wheedling but what about..." "NO! No more! Just ten! Geez! Now go look at grass or something or whatever it is you nomads do."
So then come the day of judgement, two angels waltz into every homosexual's fantasyland, and they say, "Where's Lot? Supposedly, he's the only righteous man here, or else we wouldn't even bother coming. We'd just waste them from a distance where we don't have the possibility of getting our butts raped." Because that's the only reason they'd go to Lot: obviously, ten don't exist, which would mean these are the equivalent to Las Vegas and San Francisco, but, God's not going to kill the righteous with the unrighteous. So he wants to spare Lot. Now, first thing Lot does, being a righteous man, is invite the angels in. "Watch out, dudes, your fannies are prime targets." "Thanks. Hey, God's gonna kill this place in a few hours. Might wanna get the heck outta Dodge." "Roger." Door begins to shake with men banging on it. "Hey, Lot!" they call. "Let us in, so we can have our manly ways with those strangers." So Lot, being the righteous man he is again, says, "Gross, dudes. Here, have my virgin daughters. I could care less what happens to them. They're a dime a dozen anyways. Because I'm righteous, I'd rather you rape my daughters than rape these messengers from God." "Uh...inbred girls...or masculine strangers? Masculine strangers, Lot! Give them to us Lot!" So then the angels strike them blind and Lot gets out with his daughters and wife. Wife is so righteous she turns around just after being told not to and gets turned to salt. I think that was the most human thing to do: look behind you. I guess God didn't want them to be human at that moment. To supercede their emotions.
Kinda cruel thing to do to her, and a WEIRD thing, too. Pillar of salt? Sounds almost like a fairy tale. The God that I'm familiar with in the OT likes to smite everybody with things from the sky, disease, invading armies and rebels, or heck, he just opens the ground and swallows them up. Not turn them to salt. That is perhaps the weirdest thing I've ever read of the OT God doing to anybody. Which now that I think about it, makes me doubt it happened. Not saying it's impossible, just saying it's out of character.
So after that exhaustion's over, who's up for a long, lovely night of sex? So the girls get their dad drunk and bang him 'til the sun comes up. WOW. What righteousness! God spared the city destruction for a few minutes JUST for these cretins!
I suppose the reason I'm posting this in my anger is that I don't know why anyone's considered righteous or not. Everybody's fallen. Why should God show special consideration to some? Why is David the man after God's own heart? Did that mean "before" his lustful fall? Is God a butchering maniac, who, in odd times, likes to extend mercy? David was a butchering maniac. I think the lion and the bear or whatever first gave him his bloodlust with that little slingshot. "I can KILL! Bow before me, Animal Kingdom, for I am David, Slayer of Behemoths!" Then he goes to Goliath, probably with a manic look in his eye, after sneaking around the guards, and says to King Saul, "I'm hungry for the flesh of man." Saul, not wanting to get on David's bad side, sends him out on a suicide mission: "Kill that dude."
So David goes and faces Goliath and makes some statement about the power of God, with drool coming down his lips, probably, and lets fly a single stone at 400 miles a second, slicing a hole right through Goliath's four-inch thick skull. And then that's not enough. He waltzes right up to the fallen Philistine and takes the guy's own sword and whacks that mother's head off. WHACK WHACK WHACK! The blood did not stop flowing from the carotid until long after the sun had set, and David probably didn't stop bathing in it.
Wow. I'd love to be after God's own heart if I could do that. And those weren't enough. Then David had to go out and physically slay loads of other guys that just pissed him off. Except for Saul. Saul was protected by God, but if not for that, ooo, buddy, he'd shave his skin off inch by inch. So he spares Saul for God. Then after Saul's out of the way, becomes King and can't do much for God, since he wants to build a temple, but God says, "No...you went a little overboard in coming after my own heart." "Oh..." "Yeah, so I'll let your son do it, because he'll be cooler than you. Wisest, richest man in the world." "Word." So David sits around and rots and one day spies a girl bathing. "Hot," he breathes, and in his naked lust, says, "Come sleep with me." Of course she does. Who wouldn't? The King? Just imagine the stories at the hair salon. "And, ohmigad, he was just, like, 'Baby, you move my world.' And I was like, 'Squeal!'"
And then, for some weird reason, she got pregnant. "I never expected this!" was probably on David's mind. "I wonder how this baby thing works. Could there be a tie...? Nah." But Uriah comes home and refuses to sleep with his wife, possibly suspecting David of having poisoned her with an STD so that he'll get it before going back to war. Then David, in a jealous fury, gets his leader, Joab (another righteous blood shedder), to put him in the front lines. This is the kind of thing that movies like A Few Good Men are made off of: court-martials for war crimes in the past. So Joab sends him off to the fiercest fighting, where, thank God, he dies.
Only after all that does David seek forgiveness, primarily only because a prophet came by and denounced him for it.
So those are the righteous pylons of history.
And I'm supposed to be like them?
The Bible calls them righteous. Should I trust the Bible's judgement on that matter? Should I trust the Bible judgement in telling me how to live a righteous life when these are the righteous people of the past?
Granted, that sound really doubtful and cruel, but it's my thoughts at the moment. Everybody doubts; it's a fact of life. But if these are my examples, why should I want to be like any of them?
You can't understand God. You want to be like God. You have only men to look to to be like God. These men all suck the big one. And even God's got a weird sense of humor. Deborah and Barak. "Okay, since you're a weenie (which is why feminists today have no right to say men try to act macho...Barak wanted to be by Deborah alone), God's going to give the victory into the hands of a woman." "Oh. Oh well." So the Hebrews go out and slaughter a lot of guys again (they like that), and then their king goes fleeing to the home of his trusted friend, who, sadly, isn't at home. Now God probably puts some sick thought in her head, like Tak would in Desperation or The Regulators by Stephen King. So this woman, in some sick thriller climax, soothes him to sleep, and thankfully doesn't have to seduce him like American TV would make the story to be. So the king guy goes to sleep, with warm milk in his belly to give him total comfort. He begins to yawn and rolls over on his head, when this righteous woman, doing God's business, stands over his head with a hammer and a stake in her hands and, probably with drool coming from her cracking lips, and her eyes bulging out in demonic hatred, absolutely SMASHES the living HELL out of the guy's head, SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH and he's screaming and kicking and convulsing and hacking blood out onto her camel-hair rug and he's just ohmygosh absolutely DYING out there in his minion's HOME at the hands of his minion's trusted and faithful WIFE who for God only knows WHY decided to take a hammer to this mofo's head! And she KEEPS on absolutely just BASHING this guy until he's dead and then the Hebrews are wandering around looking for him and she walks out with blood on her lips neck and robe and says, "Yo, guys. He's in here." "Uhhh...send in four guys, just to be safe."
WOW! That's how God works in history. He gets into poeple's head and with the power of prophecy, predestination and fate, gets them to smash the life out of everybody that has just pissed off the Hebrews and God. What a loving, caring, nurturing Lord!
Excuse the cynicism, but by that God, I'm supposed to model my life?
Y'know...I have to wonder about the "righteousness" of people in the Bible, and sometimes the righteousness of actions of God.
A girl got me to questioning that with some interesting arguments.
So there's Adam, and there's Eve, and then there is The LORD. And Eve gets hungry for knowledge, and some being tells her that this fruit here is really tasty, and hey, it's the Divine Fruit, you get to become LIKE GOD. So of course she eats it, knowing full well this is disobedience. So she's cursed to death immediately, and Adam, who's with her, is like, "Huh? Oh, hey, food. Waaait, Eve. Isn't this the no-no tree? It is? Oh well. God, you say? I get to be like God? Mmkay. CHOMP." Death curse. Then God comes around and says, "Yo dudes. What just happened? Where are youuu?" "Uhm. Here. God. Look...uh..." "Why are you hiding?" "(Bursting into tears) I'm naked and ashamed and this WOMAN thing you gave me made me eat so I did and oh God I'm sorry sorry, please don't kill me!" "Woman, what's this?" "Uh...the SNAKE! HE made me eat it." "Uh-huh. Okay, so snake, since you have no alibi, I curse you forever. Just because I don't like snakes. And also woman, I want you to suffer when your pelvis parts for kids, and also to long after your husband. Man, I want you to sweat for your food from now on. Okay, y'all can go now."
So why did God curse the snake without getting the snake's explanation? "It wasssss Sssssatan." "Ah. Satan...what is this you have done?" "Is that a joke?"
Why did God just say, "Okay, because of you, the earth suffers, because I want to make life hard for you, and also, the snake suffers, even though I had to ask YOU to figure out what just happened, but not the snake."
And then when they're done being cursed and Adam finally decides to name his wife right after being kicked out, because, hey, she's the Mother of All, they get to baby-making and out come Abel and Cain, for sure, and I suspect many more kids that weren't mentioned (or else, why would Cain freak out later on that he was going to be instantly killed by his parents?). So it comes time for a sacrifice to God, and Abel gets a fat sheep and Cain gets the stuff he's sweated over: crops. And yet, for some weird reason, God's displeased. Now you'd think with the OT's love for detail, it would go into every single reason why God didn't like Cain's, but liked Abel's. Was it because Abel was younger, sweeter and when not with the sheep was with his parents? Was it because Cain wasn't with his parents and his brother and preferred the fields and isolation?
WHY did God say, "Screw your sacrifice, Cain. I know you worked a lot harder than Abel did to get me a stupid sheep that would walk off a cliff if it could, but I like that kind of blind devotion." So he smiles on Abel but not on Cain, and freaking surprise surprise, Cain gets MAD! WOW! Imagine that. God just dissed your hard work and you're upset! Geez! Didn't see it coming!
Why would God do that? There's no reason for him to have been displeased with Cain's sacrifice, unless it was because he cursed the earth specifically, and not just the animals. Then, why would he desire a crop offering as well from the Hebrews along with blood? Why was he not upset that they gave him anything at all? "Geez, didn'y A and E tell you ANYTHING? I cursed the world! I don't want your sacrifices! Sheep! Gross! They'd walk into a wood chipper if it was big enough! Crops! Stupid! All they do is feed you! I cursed them all anyways! What are y'all giving me these for? Get lost!"
But noooo...he's pleased with a sheep and not with the crops.
Why?
So we have Noah who's the only righteous guy in the world, and there's a load of people on there by now, and they may or may not be giving it up to spirits for a good time.
So Noah builds a boat and drifts away to watch as his world gets completely destroyed, and he probably watches with tears. Who wouldn't?
Then it's dry, and the first thing he does after sacrificing to God, is, of course, make alcohol! Life isn't complete without wine or booze. So he gets drunk and gets nekkid and then his son waltzes in on him, does a 180 and goes and tells his brothers, who walk in backwards to cover him up, for some weird reason.
So Noah wakes up and someone probably tattled to him what Ham "did" and so in his hangover rage curses Ham forever and ever, amen, but blesses Shem and Japheth.
Now, what gets me is this: WHY would he curse his son who didn't do anything?
Is that why he cursed him? For doing nothing? Did he curse him for not covering his dad and not worrying about it? Did he curse him for coming into his tent without knocking? If that's the case, then why didn't he curse his other two sons, because they did the same? Did he curse Ham for seeing him naked? Well, that's not fair, because the other two guys got away with knowledge that he was, so they walked in backwards for respect or something like that.
Why would Noah spaz with such a severe punishment like that?
Then we have Sodom and Gomorrah, and lo, after Abraham bugs the heck outta God with his consistent wheedling, he gets the kill factor down to ten. "If there's ten righteous in those cities, I won't send them straight to Sheol." "Cool. Thanks. Now, Lord, I hope you don't see this as wheedling but what about..." "NO! No more! Just ten! Geez! Now go look at grass or something or whatever it is you nomads do."
So then come the day of judgement, two angels waltz into every homosexual's fantasyland, and they say, "Where's Lot? Supposedly, he's the only righteous man here, or else we wouldn't even bother coming. We'd just waste them from a distance where we don't have the possibility of getting our butts raped." Because that's the only reason they'd go to Lot: obviously, ten don't exist, which would mean these are the equivalent to Las Vegas and San Francisco, but, God's not going to kill the righteous with the unrighteous. So he wants to spare Lot. Now, first thing Lot does, being a righteous man, is invite the angels in. "Watch out, dudes, your fannies are prime targets." "Thanks. Hey, God's gonna kill this place in a few hours. Might wanna get the heck outta Dodge." "Roger." Door begins to shake with men banging on it. "Hey, Lot!" they call. "Let us in, so we can have our manly ways with those strangers." So Lot, being the righteous man he is again, says, "Gross, dudes. Here, have my virgin daughters. I could care less what happens to them. They're a dime a dozen anyways. Because I'm righteous, I'd rather you rape my daughters than rape these messengers from God." "Uh...inbred girls...or masculine strangers? Masculine strangers, Lot! Give them to us Lot!" So then the angels strike them blind and Lot gets out with his daughters and wife. Wife is so righteous she turns around just after being told not to and gets turned to salt. I think that was the most human thing to do: look behind you. I guess God didn't want them to be human at that moment. To supercede their emotions.
Kinda cruel thing to do to her, and a WEIRD thing, too. Pillar of salt? Sounds almost like a fairy tale. The God that I'm familiar with in the OT likes to smite everybody with things from the sky, disease, invading armies and rebels, or heck, he just opens the ground and swallows them up. Not turn them to salt. That is perhaps the weirdest thing I've ever read of the OT God doing to anybody. Which now that I think about it, makes me doubt it happened. Not saying it's impossible, just saying it's out of character.
So after that exhaustion's over, who's up for a long, lovely night of sex? So the girls get their dad drunk and bang him 'til the sun comes up. WOW. What righteousness! God spared the city destruction for a few minutes JUST for these cretins!
I suppose the reason I'm posting this in my anger is that I don't know why anyone's considered righteous or not. Everybody's fallen. Why should God show special consideration to some? Why is David the man after God's own heart? Did that mean "before" his lustful fall? Is God a butchering maniac, who, in odd times, likes to extend mercy? David was a butchering maniac. I think the lion and the bear or whatever first gave him his bloodlust with that little slingshot. "I can KILL! Bow before me, Animal Kingdom, for I am David, Slayer of Behemoths!" Then he goes to Goliath, probably with a manic look in his eye, after sneaking around the guards, and says to King Saul, "I'm hungry for the flesh of man." Saul, not wanting to get on David's bad side, sends him out on a suicide mission: "Kill that dude."
So David goes and faces Goliath and makes some statement about the power of God, with drool coming down his lips, probably, and lets fly a single stone at 400 miles a second, slicing a hole right through Goliath's four-inch thick skull. And then that's not enough. He waltzes right up to the fallen Philistine and takes the guy's own sword and whacks that mother's head off. WHACK WHACK WHACK! The blood did not stop flowing from the carotid until long after the sun had set, and David probably didn't stop bathing in it.
Wow. I'd love to be after God's own heart if I could do that. And those weren't enough. Then David had to go out and physically slay loads of other guys that just pissed him off. Except for Saul. Saul was protected by God, but if not for that, ooo, buddy, he'd shave his skin off inch by inch. So he spares Saul for God. Then after Saul's out of the way, becomes King and can't do much for God, since he wants to build a temple, but God says, "No...you went a little overboard in coming after my own heart." "Oh..." "Yeah, so I'll let your son do it, because he'll be cooler than you. Wisest, richest man in the world." "Word." So David sits around and rots and one day spies a girl bathing. "Hot," he breathes, and in his naked lust, says, "Come sleep with me." Of course she does. Who wouldn't? The King? Just imagine the stories at the hair salon. "And, ohmigad, he was just, like, 'Baby, you move my world.' And I was like, 'Squeal!'"
And then, for some weird reason, she got pregnant. "I never expected this!" was probably on David's mind. "I wonder how this baby thing works. Could there be a tie...? Nah." But Uriah comes home and refuses to sleep with his wife, possibly suspecting David of having poisoned her with an STD so that he'll get it before going back to war. Then David, in a jealous fury, gets his leader, Joab (another righteous blood shedder), to put him in the front lines. This is the kind of thing that movies like A Few Good Men are made off of: court-martials for war crimes in the past. So Joab sends him off to the fiercest fighting, where, thank God, he dies.
Only after all that does David seek forgiveness, primarily only because a prophet came by and denounced him for it.
So those are the righteous pylons of history.
And I'm supposed to be like them?
The Bible calls them righteous. Should I trust the Bible's judgement on that matter? Should I trust the Bible judgement in telling me how to live a righteous life when these are the righteous people of the past?
Granted, that sound really doubtful and cruel, but it's my thoughts at the moment. Everybody doubts; it's a fact of life. But if these are my examples, why should I want to be like any of them?
You can't understand God. You want to be like God. You have only men to look to to be like God. These men all suck the big one. And even God's got a weird sense of humor. Deborah and Barak. "Okay, since you're a weenie (which is why feminists today have no right to say men try to act macho...Barak wanted to be by Deborah alone), God's going to give the victory into the hands of a woman." "Oh. Oh well." So the Hebrews go out and slaughter a lot of guys again (they like that), and then their king goes fleeing to the home of his trusted friend, who, sadly, isn't at home. Now God probably puts some sick thought in her head, like Tak would in Desperation or The Regulators by Stephen King. So this woman, in some sick thriller climax, soothes him to sleep, and thankfully doesn't have to seduce him like American TV would make the story to be. So the king guy goes to sleep, with warm milk in his belly to give him total comfort. He begins to yawn and rolls over on his head, when this righteous woman, doing God's business, stands over his head with a hammer and a stake in her hands and, probably with drool coming from her cracking lips, and her eyes bulging out in demonic hatred, absolutely SMASHES the living HELL out of the guy's head, SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH and he's screaming and kicking and convulsing and hacking blood out onto her camel-hair rug and he's just ohmygosh absolutely DYING out there in his minion's HOME at the hands of his minion's trusted and faithful WIFE who for God only knows WHY decided to take a hammer to this mofo's head! And she KEEPS on absolutely just BASHING this guy until he's dead and then the Hebrews are wandering around looking for him and she walks out with blood on her lips neck and robe and says, "Yo, guys. He's in here." "Uhhh...send in four guys, just to be safe."
WOW! That's how God works in history. He gets into poeple's head and with the power of prophecy, predestination and fate, gets them to smash the life out of everybody that has just pissed off the Hebrews and God. What a loving, caring, nurturing Lord!
Excuse the cynicism, but by that God, I'm supposed to model my life?