Too young?

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Pheonix28

Slave to Christ.
Ok... I'm going to propose to my girlfriend on Christmas.

We started going out June 25th (thats 5 months ago) and Christmas will be 6 months. This seems early to a lot of people, but We've both been praying about it a ton, and It just feels like God has lead us to each other, and wants us to be together. She is 18, as am I. So we're both young... We would be getting married in June or July (after she gets out of school) so I would be 19 and she 18. Do you think it's too early, or that we're too young? I've been talking to a lot of people, and praying a ton. I feel that we are ready (well, ready to be engaged that is) and will be ready for marriage in the summer... Please give me some input.
 

[toj.cc]phantom

Tribe of Judah Membership Administrator
I'm only 18, and don't have any experience with this kind of thing, but I would say to young. My mom was 18 and my dad was 20 when they got married, and they ended up getting divorced. And they had been dating since their Freshman year in high school.
 

notashamed

Tribe of Judah Accounts Manager
That's a really hard question to answer. Statistically the younger you marry the more likely you are to divorce, but not everyone who marries young gets divorced. A successful marriage must not be founded on love the feeling. It must be founded on love the commitment. Are you willing to stay with her even when you may not like her from time to time? (time to time may equal a year or more during the rocky times) You will only have been dating 1 year when you get married, and so the next 6 months you will be so busy getting ready to be married that you won't have anymore time to get to know each other. My advice would be to wait another year. Give yourselves a chance to put some time in your relationship. Make sure you both are commited to staying together through harder times by facing some harder times that comes when you've been together for year or so. Talk to people who's marriages you admire and ask them what they did to make their marriage what it is. Don't rush in is my advice.

On a personal note, my husband and I married when we were 18 & 19. Were we to young? Absolutely, no doubt about it. Does that mean it was wrong? God has done things in our lives that I know he couldn't have done if we had not gotten married. Ultimately you two must make the decision you feel is right for yourselves, and that is right with God. I'll be praying for you :D
 

Shyfroggy

Member
I totally agree with Notashamed on the love as a feeling verses love the commitment...two totally different balls of wax...

I don't know about the too young part, I suppose none of us can really answer that as God has a different plan set for all of us...My husband and I were 19 and 20 when we got married, that was April 15, 2005....

About the too early part....I would second what Notashamed said (again) that being friends for another year might be good....would most definately be good, if nothing else it will build the relationship and bring you two closer.

I met my husband in April of 2004, he proposed to me in October of 2004...so that was six months, then another six months later and we got married...however, I think we could have definately benefited from being friends and learning more about the other instead of rushing into getting married...more was focused on teh love feeling but has turned in to love the commitment. :)

I'm not saying you're rushing into things, I don't know your personal situation.....I'm not saying its too early to get married, again I don't know your personal situation.....I'm just trying to share with you what little bit of advice I have gathered thus far....

And of course I will second you on that praying a ton part!
 
My wife and I married when I was 22 and she was 21, after dating for about 4 years.

We'll be at 7 years of marriage come January, and I wouldn't change a thing.

My personal opinion is that the more mature you are, the easier it is to choose to love even when you emotionally don't want to. Maturity does not necessarily equal age, but age often brings about maturity. However, I don't want to discount the fact that it is far better to be married than to burn with lust for each other and not be able to do anything about it without sinning.

As someone who married fairly young, I didn't see the point in waiting then, and I don't now. I guarantee that if we had waited until we were both finished with college, or both established in our careers, or until we were ready to start a family, or some other artificial timeframe, that we would not have been able to remain pure until our wedding night (and praise God that we did!). Remaining pure has been an amazing blessing to us in many facets of our marriage (not just the bedroom).

EVEN SO, don't rush into anything you're not ready for. If you are not ready to do everything with her in mind, and to place someone else's interests above your own, then by all means, WAIT. And no matter whether you plan on getting married soon or down the road, seek pre-marital counseling with your pastor, and my advice would be to also watch the tapes of Tommy Nelson's "Song of Solomon" teachings and read Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages.
 

LITSAFALDA

Prayer Angel, Moderator
WOW I am quite impressed by the time and thought behind these responses and total honestly and Christian love being shown. So much so I guess I need to add my point of view.

My parents were quite young themselves when they got married soo many years ago. ( It was the day before mom's 18th birthday and dad had just turned 21.) From a kid's point of view, you need to be ready for anything the devil may through at you because that's just what happens to those marriages that God brings together. When us kids were younger we did not have a lot of Christian influences even though I know my parents were Christian..... they made us go to church for Christmas pagant practice and for Easter and for VBS.

They had many of their own rocky times through their marriage and a few times considered giving up on it. One thing I feel that helped the most was when we moved away from where we lived to a smaller community and found a small more family like church. I loved it soo much that I pushed them into going a lot. Sort of helped to strengthen our ties more I believe. If God hadn't decided that dad needed to be in Heaven in 2005, this past August they would have been married 45 years rough patches and all.

My personal marriage is totally different as I am married to a non-Christian. That is a road to travel in itself. From knowing all that went on in my early life with my family, God has made me strong enough to withstand even this unequal yoke. We have had our rough patches but God never gives you more than you can handle. He also redirects you alot when you aren't following His plan.

My greatest advice would be to you that as long as you are both Christian believers and you do not forget to let God be in charge of your lives. He will see you through if you get married in six months or 18 months or 4 years from now. Pray about things and let them go and let God....... follow His lead and I really believe you will be able to overcome any adversity and become the Godly family I feel you both are looking to begin.

Blessings,"Angel"
 

Pheonix28

Slave to Christ.
Thanks for all the advice everyone. I have been talking to a lot of people, and I have been praying about it. I know I am not ready to be married right now, but 8 months from now I am not sure, I think I can be ready. I know that I am ready spiritually, and emotionally. I already have her interests in mind. I am about 85% positive she is in the same manor. I know she isn't as ready for the "real" world as I am, but I am here. We both are strong Christians but her parents have raised her differently than mine did I. So we have, in a way, different backgrounds and mine makes me more mature in a way. I have decided to propose on Christmas (exactly 6 months after we started dating *down to the minute*) but we're not sure about when we will get married. I could ramble on all day, but I am talking to a friend atm and he needs my attention. Thanks again.
 

ChickenSoup

Banned
Although I obviously have no experience with marriage, not even being 18 myself, I would say you're a mite young
 

ajmucha

New Member
well, i dont got any personal advice here...but i will say that one of my teachers says that she got married at 18/19, and though it was a good bit soon, it does teach a good bit about perseverance...i'd say you need to pray about it
 

Ahamo

New Member
Too Young

I am 35 years old, and was married for 8 years before getting a divorce. I married my wife when she was the age of 18, and I was 25. Falling in love is an exciting thing. and every single person in the world is different, so there is no right answer on this. Let me say one thing for sure. The reason for the high divorce rate for those married young are still present for good Christians, it's just that you have the power of Christ in your marriage to over come those things. There is a lot of "self discovery" that happens from the age of 18 to 25. It is the first time in your life that you are totally out from under the guidance of your parents rules, and you become who you are going to be. The reason for my divorce was a very drastic change that happened to my ex.... and it was almost to the point where I did not know her any more. She was a great wife for 4 years, and then fell away from the Lord, and I will not go into details... but things happened that no one following the Lord would do. The temptations that drew her were amplified by the fact that she had never had that "time" of discovering herself prior to marriage.

I would suggest dating for at least 2 years and each of you live on your own... learn to budget, get a way to support her, make sure you have enough if a little one were to come, and keep developing your relationships with the Lord together. If it is meant to be, trust me, she won't go away, but if you discover that it is not meant to be, you just saved yourself a lot of intense grief. I am saying this from experience. I have 2 little girls that can't spend Christmas with mommy and daddy for the first time in their lives this year, and it hurts me pretty bad to see all these things happen.
 

Neirai the Forgiven

Christian Guilds List Manager
I have 2 little girls that can't spend Christmas with mommy and daddy for the first time in their lives this year, and it hurts me pretty bad to see all these things happen.
I'm crying. Honest. *hugs* *sniff*
Poor girls :'(


Pheonix, I guess (and take this with a grain of salt... I'm single. Chronically.) you should make sure a few things are true:

1. Your faith is in God, not each other or your "dreams" (although dreams can be from God, but they are his gifts, not Him).

2. You're both roughly on the same page in maturity -- if there are things that you disrespect each other for because they seem so immature, that's not a good thing to bring into a marriage. Marriage is based on love and respect and following God, and if one of those is missing... owch.

Please note: While this is not necessarily true, as Ahamo said, there was seven years between him and his ex-wife, and although I'd like him to confirm this before anyone pegs his situation with a "label," they may have been miles apart in maturity. :( This may or may not be a situation of too-youngness

3. Listen to the advice of older, mature Christians who have been around the block. If they all say "you're too young," maybe you should take that to heart. Remember that God Is Sovereign, and so he's not gonna screw up what he's started. So, if you feel you may be a tad young, remember that God is NOT going to allow time to break up a relationship that he planned. On the flip side (callous as it sounds,) any relationship that fizzles as time is applied to it (by fizzles I mean 'fizzles all the way,' not 'cools off a bit') may not be one that God intends for you.

4. So, make sure to have faith in God!!!

5. And pray alot!

6. And also, pray alot!!

7. Finally, make sure that you listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. If the Holy Spirit is saying "Go for it!!" but you're like "ummm... are we too young?" then you're cheating yourself of what God has for you. :)


P.S.: Smart ppl who are actually married: feel free to critique this post. Perhaps you may shed light on why I'm chronically single. :)
 
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Pheonix28

Slave to Christ.
Sorry for the delay guys. Thanks for the advice. I've been praying about it a lot. I am going to propose to her, but we are probably going to wait a while before we get married.

Thanks again.
 

Captain_Tea

Active Member
I would suggest dating for at least 2 years and each of you live on your own... learn to budget, get a way to support her, make sure you have enough if a little one were to come, and keep developing your relationships with the Lord together. If it is meant to be, trust me, she won't go away, but if you discover that it is not meant to be, you just saved yourself a lot of intense grief. I am saying this from experience. I have 2 little girls that can't spend Christmas with mommy and daddy for the first time in their lives this year, and it hurts me pretty bad to see all these things happen.
I second this advice. I wouldn't see a problem with getting engaged though. There is nothing wrong with a long engagement as long as you don't let friends or relatives pressure you to get married before your ready. Stay pure by any means necessary!!!

I am one of the statistics, I was married at 18 right out of high school. We didn't stay pure, and she got pregnant. I can say that I was not ready to be a husband or a father. Of couse I didn't know God at the time either, I didn't meet him till about 2 yrs later. I was married for almost 11 yrs, and had 4 beautiful daughters. I was committed for the long haul but unfortunately my wife was not. She left after committing a series of moral failures. Now its the children that pay the price. Might I say that I learned first hand that love is far more than a feeling or even a committment, it is a CHOICE. Like so many other things in the Christian walk it is a choice moment by moment, regardless of how you feel or how you are treated.

I pray that the Lord guides you both and and is truely the center of your relationship.
 
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