King of the Hill, CGA Style

[toj.cc]WildBillKickoff

[toj.cc]WildBillKickoff

New Member
A King of the Hill thread works like this:

The initial post is the first KotH. Each successive post must explain how the previous king was removed from the hill in a creative manner, with that poster being the new KotH.

Traditionally, the "winner" is the person who makes the final post; this type of thread often ends with a posting frenzy of one word posts. To eliminate this, I'm implementing two additional rules:

1. Only I know the post # which will be declared the final KotH. It might be 500, it might be 32. It might even be pi, or the square root of e. I'll make an announcement here when there are five posts to go.

2. Each post must be at least two sentences and 20 words long, and be related to the post before it.

So, your first entry:

WildBillKickoff places his flag on the top of the hill, surrounded by seven of the most fearsome allies he could muster. Himself clad in armor of a luminescent blue, carrying he has summoned each of his seven MMO avatars as his guardians. Patrolling the base of the hill are, from the unmentionable MMO, Gemhammer the Dwarf, wielder of the Axe of the Shire, and Whirling Pastori, Guild Wars Dervish, wielder of the scythe Shezel's Reaper, undefeated in martial combat. Roaming the side of the hill are the ritualist Pastori Spiritbinder, master of the spirit realm, and two masters of the elements: the Guild Wars Elementalist Pastori Thunderclap, controller of lightning, and FFXI Black Mage Jaypi, Tarutaru pyromaniac.

Standing at the top of the hill next to their master were the two most powerful of WBK's GW characters. The indomitable, unrelenting Pastori Mastersson, knight of Ascalon, and the incomparable Pastori Virtuous, who makes everyone around him more effective and is handy with a spear to boot.

Hail to the king, and let the games begin.
 
Lazarus whirled a sling around his head and let fly - the round stone projectile slammed into Gemhammer's helmet and knocked him flat.

Lazarus picked up the Dwarf's Axe and engaged Whirling Pastori, axe upon scythe.
"I hope you won't be too crushed when I win." he sneered, slashing the head off WPastori's scythe and then lopping his arm off.
Mercifully, Lazarus merely slammed the side of the axe head into WPastori, throwing his crumpled body onto the ground.

Lazarus ran toward the other Pastori, Thunderclap. Bolts of lightning cracked from the sky.
Dodging, Lazarus swung fiercely at the Elementalist, breaking his staff in two.
As he raised the axe to end TPastori's life, a flaming arrow whizzed past.

"Too late for your comrade, friend." Lazarus sneered, kicking TPastori in the jaw.
He turned and whipped up his axe to block a blazing ball of fire shooting at him.
Before the Black Mage Jaypi could unleash his true powers upon his foe, Lazarus closed the distance between them and slashed at his legs, felling Jaypi as well.
"This is almost too easy."
And then the ghosts surrounded him. Lazarus watched in confusion as the wraiths and spirits flitted around him, howling and wailing with dark glee.
"Mere apparitions." he muttered, casting about for the source.
"Ah."

Spiritbinder stood about ten yards away, muttering a spell.
"Begone, and your shadows with you!" Lazarus cried, flinging the axe toward him. It hit Spiritbinder over the head and he collapsed.

"Wild Bill, we meet again." Lazarus was saying a few minutes later as he crested the hill.
"I fear you shall have a harder time with these gallant men." Wild Bill growled, indicating Mastersson and Virtuous.
"Not hardly." the unarmed Lazarus scoffed.

Mastersson charged down on him, swinging his sword in a deadly arc toward Lazarus' head.
Ducking low, Lazarus leaped onto the horse as it galloped past, flinging the knight off. He rolled down the hill, armor clinking loudly, then smashed into a rock and stopped.
"WHOAAAAAAAA - OOOF!"

Lazarus turned and galloped toward Virtuous. A spear stuck into the side of the steed, and Lazarus leaped lightly off as the animal fell.

Virtuous raised another spear and let fly. Sidestepping, Lazarus slashed the spear in half with his sword as it flew by.
"Doom is written on this sword, my friend." he quoted, slashing at Virtuous.
The Pastori ducked and jabbed Lazarus in the foot with his third spear.

"Stand back, ere I let air into your evil skeleton." he replied.
"Let us not speak of skeletons with so many of your comrades' own scattered around this place." Lazarus shot back, stabbing at him.
"Yours will soon join them, unless I have naught do with it." Virtuous responded, evading the sword thrust. He twirled the spear between his fingers and flung it out.

Lazarus dropped to the ground in a split-second and then rolled to his feet, almost on top of Virtuous.
"Give up, or I kill you." he grunted, holding the sword to the Pastori's throat.
"Never!" Virtuous exclaimed in horror. "Never!"
"So be it." Lazarus quoted, stabbing him in the gut.
Virtuous staggered backwards, blood spilling from his cloak.

"Wild Bill - kill him!" he gasped, falling to the ground.
"The opposite will be true, I warrant." Lazarus said.
"Your bluish armor of such a marvelous hue will protect little against such a marvelous sword as mine, Wild Bill." he said in turn to that person.

"Oh Lazarus, you forget. 'Once a King of the Hill, Always King of the Hill.'" Bill returned, pulling out his dagger.

"I have no time to waste on you, I am afraid." Lazarus replied. He shifted the sword to his left hand and hurled it at Bill, striking him in the kneecap.

WildBillKickoff fell to the ground, clutching his leg. Lazarus walked slowly up to him and picked up the dagger.
"Goodbye, Oh King of the Hill." he quoted as he stabbed downward.

Lazarus turned, raising his arms.
"GREET THE NEW KING OF THE HILL!" he shouted, the hills around resounding with the echo of the words.

(Let the next challenger step forward. ;))
 
pffft I thought that this was talking about the cartoon.


I watched through a suveillance monitor as Laz rejoiced by smearing himself with paste and dropping eggs on a poster of WBK. It wasn't that pretty. In fact, one would say that it was actually kind of strange. Alrighty then, it was repulsive.

But 'twas not so for long.

"Initiate launch sequence! Push some buttons! Turn some knobs! Pull some levers!!!" I yelled. My crew scrambled to their places and worked to bring Operation Blow Lazarus into the Intermediate Stratosphere With a Bio-Bomb
into reality.

As Laz rejoiced, covered in paste so that he could hardly move, a bio bomb screamed out of a submarine somewhere hidden in the southwest Pacific.

"I'm king of the world!!!" shrieked Laz, practically eating the Elmer's. He paused, in deep thought.
"I'm king of the hill!!!" he corrected himself at a louder volume, falling into the high-paced step of an Irish riverdance.

The missile soared through the sky, majestic yet deadly.

But the unthinkable happened!

You know the saying "so bad it could knock a vulture off a crap wagon"? Well, that vulture was looking for a new home when it ran headlong into the missle, knocking it off course.

"Curses!" I muttered. "Oh well. It will probably land in the ocean or somewhere with not a lot of life." I then thought of all the sea life out there and felt inarticulate for a reason I could not comprehend.
"Ah, screw it," I mumbled. I ran up the hill (did I mention that Laz was
only about 20 yards away?) and, using Gary Coleman as a primitive club, I beat him into submission. After that, I had a victory cigar.
"Ta-ta!" I cheered cheerily, knocking a hot ash off the end of the stogey. It landed on Laz's crumpled but still-barely-alive form and ignited the glue.
"Oops."
Laz rolled around screaming and yelling and screaming and yelling like a cocker spaniel with a rabid banana latched onto its behind. I sighed and waited for the noise to die down.
"I am Benevolent Dictator of the Hill," I noted rather profoundly.

I hoped someone would replant that streak of burnt grass that trailed down the side of the hill.


[app. 8-12 months later]

The missile trailed down into the atmosphere of Mars. Below, an astronaut, the first man on Mars, held up a strange looking rock.
"Could it be?!" he cried, scraping away some dust with his glove. It was! A fossil of a mysterious cat-like creature!
"I'VE DONE IT! I'VE GOT PROOF OF LIFE ON-"

The bomb hit.
 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :D
Ahem - oh, sorry.
Does anyone mind if I take the next one? There doesn't seem to be many posts here...

...

Using an old tactic, Lazarus smeared himself all over with glue again and then rolled in leaves and grass and tree branches to camouflage his body.

He snuck up the hill in this fashion, right behind Chicken Soup - who was unceremoniously surprised by Lazarus' entrance.

"Now we'll never know if there was life on Mars!" Lazarus screamed furiously, charging toward C$. Unfortunately his foot was still covered with glue and had stuck to the ground, so Lazarus did a faceplant right into C$'s legs and knocked him down.

Gary Coleman was still there, so Lazarus picked him up, glued him to C$ and stuck the burning cigar in Coleman's back pocket.

After a few seconds C$ recovered, but too late, as smoke began to rise from Coleman's clothes. He screamed and ran off into the sunset with C$ glued to his back, waving helplessly.

"Smoking's bad for your health, Dude." Lazarus called after him. Then he pulled out the latte that he'd bought at Starbucks and took a sip.
"The King of the Hill needs all the caffeine he can get." Lazarus mused, drinking it down.
"Waiter!"
...
 
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I ripped Gary Coleman off my back, along with a layer of skin or two, and tossed him in Laz's direction. A few seconds later, I heard a thud and a scream.

I ran up to Laz, grabbed the latte, and, despite it's putrid taste, drank it.
"ARE YOU NUTS?!" screamed Laz, snatching the cup away too late to do anything.
"No, I'm... I'm... I'm..." I froze. Laz's eyes widened with terror as he saw what happens when someone gives C$ caffeine.
"SPAAAAAAAAM!!!!!" I belched. The force of the blast of my yodeling call blew Laz into the sky.
I grinned and sat contentedly on the hill, exchanging jokes with Gary.
 
As Lazarus flew into the sky he pulled the ripcord and a parachute inflated above him. It was a small one - so he dropped rapidly toward the ground.

Lazarus shot through a cloud bank on the way down and saw a hill below him. C$ and Gary Coleman were sitting on it.

C$ looked up and his eyes widened in terror as Lazarus grinned evilly and parachuted toward him.

WHAM!

He landed on C$ feet-first, knocking him off the side of the hill with a gigantic stomach-ache.

Lazarus picked up Gary Coleman and heaved him off the hill - where he landed on C$'s back below - breaking a spine or two...

Lazarus picked up his latte and got a refill, then walked to the precise center of the top of the hill.

"I'm KING OF THE HILL!"
 
If I can't be King of the Hill, neither can you.

Lazarus pulls out his trusty folding shovel and tunnels under the hill, laying dynamite charges, then crawls out the other side and runs up the hill toward C$ with the detonator in his hand.

"Farewell, C$!" he yelled as he neared ChickenSoup. With that, Lazarus pressed the detonator button and the hill exploded underneath them, flinging tons of dirt and rock and pieces of C$ and Lazarus into the air.

Part of Lazarus landed on the top as all the dirt fell back down and he managed to yell, "I'M KING OF THE HILL" a millisecond before the entire top avalanched, carrying both C$ and Lazarus with it.

A few hours later Lazarus crawled onto the top of the much smaller hill and croaked, "I'm King of the Hill.", then collapsed on his side.

His two trusty servants, Pancho and Villa, guarded him; both carrying bolt-action Springfield rifles. A very tough adversary the twosome would be for any foes, I'll tell ya.
 
Tough, yes, smart, no.

I reached up and knocked their heads together. The coconut-like sound of their colliding noggins secretly made me chuckle to myself.

I then grabbed their rifles and lit up Laz. WEEEE
 
I have feigned death long enough, thought Wild Bill. It is now time to put my army to better use.

Stealthily rising to his feet, the bloodied but unbowed WBK set to raising the Pastoris, Jaypi, and Gemhammer back to life. The valiant heroes quietly stepped back to reflect on what went wrong, and strategize their way back to the top of the hill.

"Avatars, we have a serious problem. Both Lazarus and C$ have employed some serious weaponry, weaponry that we do not possess, nor would we use it if we did because this is supposed to be NON-LETHAL combat. Of course, whenI created the hill, I didn't make that clear, so I'm to blame for that gaffe. My bad."

The seven slain superheroes sighed simultaneously, and set their spears, swords, and scythes aside surreptitiously. (And if that isn't the best alliteration you've ever heard, I don't know what is.)

"Well then, here's what you will do." After explaining the plan, the avatars set about completing their task.

After about 3 hours of activity, the avatars signaled to their leader that the plan was ready. WBK slowly crept up the hill, and shouted to C$, "Hey buddy! I just wanted to invite you and anyone else you've got up there to our Super Bowl party down here on the slope. We've got plenty of chicken wings and burgers for everyone."

C$ was unimpressed. "I see right through this, WBK. You're just trying to get me to give up the high ground, like Anakin in Star Wars Episode III, so you can haXXorz me. It's not going to happen."

"My avatars have built a Mountain Dew factory," said WBK slyly.

C$ sprinted down the hill as quickly as his legs would carry him, and WBK's avatars fed him chicken wings, burgers and Mountain Dew until he had a horrible stomach ache. Unable to act, he could only watch as WBK and his avatars slowly strolled to the top of the hill. And took all his missiles.
 
Walking through the area, Atown notices the notably large hill and a fattened C$ sitting at the bottom. Pondering to himself what is so great about the hill, Atown decided to climb it. He eventually caught himself spying WBK and several others, running about pilfering many missles and rejoicing greatly. Atown then called for a barrage from his pirate ship to scatter people on the hill, whilst he cast meteor shower and obsidian spiked the people on the hill, claiming it as his own.
 
Seeing the destruction wrought by Atown's great powers, Lazarus decided that he must be completely destroyed and imprisoned.

Lazarus dived back into his tunnel, which had amazingly survived the explosion, and tunneled upwards to where Atown stood on the top. He was rudely surprised when the ground underneath him opened up and dropped him through a hole; where he landed at Lazarus' feet.

Lazarus bopped him over the head with his shovel, caved in the tunnel at the other side, then climbed out onto the hill and covered the hole with dirt.

"ALL HAIL THE NEW KING OF THE HILL!"

As he looked around Lazarus saw the missiles C$ and WBK had left behind, so he fired them at Atown's pirate ship and sunk it with all hands.
 
Having been scattered by the pirate's fire was one thing, but WBK and his team simply laughed at the Obsidian Flame being fired at them. Of course, a single Obsidian Flame was nothing more than a nuisance to a team of highly trained avatars.

However, it came as a surprise when Lazarus, who had singlehandedly wiped the entire team (albeit under dubious circumstances; namely, his team was wiped by someone completely unfamiliar with the capabilities and fortitude of Guild Wars, FFXI, and the nameless MMO's powerful characters) saw Atown's rather paltry by comparison powers and deemed him worthy of utter destruction, while not even making a mention of total destruction for the Avatars, as they call themselves.

WBK took great offense to this slight and decided that one good turn deserves another.

"Gentlemen: Laz, Pancho, and Villa are on that hill. Today, we take it back. No trickery. No Mountain Dew factories. Show him what you can do, Virtuous."

Pastori Virtuous lead the charge, shouting as he ran. Pancho and Villa both took dead aim, and fired point blank. Although the bullets appeared to hit PV, at that moment bullet holes appeared in Laz's minions. "What..." started Pancho before falling. "...happened?" finished Villa as he, too, slumped over. "Reversal of Damage," explained PV to his unsuspecting opponents. "Reflects all damage back to the attacker. I'm glad I was subbing monk."

"Halt!" shouted WBK. "Laz is mine."

Laz had picked up the RPG launcher he used to detonate Atown's pirate ship. "You don't stand a chance, punkface. This is a homing rocket launcher. Adios, compadre." With that, he pressed the big red button that said "fire", and WBK was targeted.

Suddenly, as if by magic, WBK appeared inches behind Laz and held a dagger to his neck. "Aura of Displacement. I can come to you anytime I want to, and leave any time I want to. Oh, lookie, the missile is heading back this way. It should impact in...

"Three." A smirk started to appear on WBK's face as he counted down.
"Two." Laz's eyes grew larger as the missile closed it's gap on their location.
"One." As the camera peered in on Laz's left eye, the missile grows larger and larger in the reflection.
"Bye!" WBK phases back to his original location just as the missile makes impact, flinging the now unconscious Laz about three miles from the hill. We'll see him again soon, thought WBK. Better make preparations, he's a tough bugger.
 
Explosions always made him cringe. He couldn't help it, but he liked to pretend he could.

Now the food was standing up and laughing. The food that had outsmarted the other food. Wild Bill Kickoff, a strong looking, youngish foo--

For crying out loud! Not food, PERSON.

Neirai shuddered to himself. In those few moments of honesty, he admitted that he was, truly, in the second stage of Feralsbane -- Lycantropic Psychosis -- the mental disorder that plagued druids who spent too much time in the form of an animal. What I need is a relaxing stay on the banks of the Moonglade, away from the travails of the Raids and DEFINITELY away from Ironforge. Hideous place, Ironforge. All bustle and clatter, and what's worse, carved from inside a great mountain, in contravention of the rock's natural state! Why live in a city when one could have a den up in the Vale with nothing to bother your hunts other than a frisk with the missus and the raising of a litter of cubs?

Neirai's eyes snapped open. Moonkin's Hair! I'm an ELF, by Nashor's call! Feralsbane was a horrid disease. First came the embarrassing moments when one realized that his mouth was watering at the thought of honey, or berries, or Orc's flesh freshly ripped from the quarry. Or Tauren. Mmmmm... savory Taurenloin. Nashor and Elune! I'm losing it... Then came the horrific warring in one's own brain, trying to keep a grip on one's true nature -- that of an elf, not a cat or bear, an ELF!

Finally, if things went far enough, the druid would forget what he was, lapsing into an animalistic state wherein one believes that his true elfin nature is, in fact, simply a shapeshifted form. Intelligence and communication would give way to instinct and insanity.

There was only one cure. Time away, off duty, without a single shift. Such inactivity would allow the mind to find itself again. But that's never going to happen. Oh, why did I ever take that position? As Grand High Tableman of the Society for the Equal Treatement of All Speccs (SETAS), Neirai couldn't exactly just take a break. Why, if he was ever seen fighting out of a shift, he'd be discredited! The world's most influential feral druid, on a mission without his fur? Unthinkable!

His only salvation lay in the task ahead. This was l'Laniye ki Niyal -- in the moon-tongue, the Hill of Worlds. Once a decade, the fabric of matter around the hill would shimmer. At that time, one would be able to see warriors of all races, worlds, realms, and planes. Sometimes they even came in planes. Here, thirty score past, an epic battle had been fought between Spider-man, Chuck Norris, Malfurion (Most Blessed of Elune), Cloud Strife, and the warrior known simply as "Atown." Malfurion, although Most Blessed of Elune, had lost that battle -- Malfurion, the first Moonkin druid! Since then, the druids had not taken part in any of the battles of ki Niyal. Until now.

Neirai, alone, would reclaim the Cenarion Circle's honor. He could do it! A feral druid would defeat the comers on this day. And then he would retire, knowing that, in tribute to his victory, the demands for equality from SETAS would be met.

That and the new tastes of meat would be interesting. The drool was already running down his chin before he could stop it. Nashor's third whisker! If I soloquize any longer, the Bane will seize me before I have a chance! Enough with the narrative backstory, and on with the action.

The target: A monk from l'Raock ki Norgal, the land of guilds. Neirai had a disdain for the denizens of the land of guilds. They were a proud people, who prattled on about how they "Didn't pay to play," whatever that meant. Probably an obscure religious reference.

The setting: A large hill, riddled with underground tunnels and with the peak destroyed by many explosives.

Neirai sprinted forward, his blue paws hammering silently on the burnt grasses. Of course, for all his efforts, he was only able to keep that up for about fifteen seconds. But he had no worries; he was prowling, so nobody could see, hear, sense, or smell him.

The monk was still strutting around with a wide grin on his face and several pieces of Lazarus's now defunct jacket draped over his shoulders, still smoking from the blast. He never saw the cat druid spring, but he definitely felt the cat's large paws collide with his upper back as Neirai pounced on him.

No reaction time. Four seconds of stun, and a small cut on his back. Neirai took the opening and pressed his advantage by raking a claw across WBK's shoulder. A long, but shallow wound was the only visible result.

WBK grinned. For a high-level druid, Neirai had hardly hurt him. He'd suffered worse in the past -- moonfires and the like.

Suddenly the Cat's paw lashed out, but the claws were all sheathed... into a fist??

The cat's paw hit WBK solidly beneath the jaw. WBK staggered back, suprised. His suprise intensified as the small wounds on his body suddenly sprang open, staining his clothing with red.

Mangle, though WBK. He bought Burning Crusade. WBK realized that this animal was truly a formidable opponent, so he lashed back with an attack that he had learned from observing taped recordings of previous fights: a roundhouse kick to the cat's head. The cat went flying backwards off of the hill -- only to land on its feet.

"Mr. The Forgiven..." rumbled Wild Bill Kickoff.

"Suprised, Mr. The Forgiven?" WBK stood tall, King of the Hill for all to see. The cat stretched and yawned. WBK's left eyebrow quirked with annoyance as he sought to deliver an original line, for once.

"Mr. The Forgiven... why do you persist?"

"Mew!' said the cat, his eyes never leaving WBK's throat. WBK found this nervewracking, but he would not allow the cat to strike. With that mangle in effect, even the slightest scratch could prove fatal. With a sudden activation of his Aura of Displacement, Wild Bill Kickoff threw a lightning-fast daggerr strike into the druid's face. The druid did not even have a chance to blink as the dagger moved the seventy feet between them in a single instant. The strike was true and had the momentum of a falling meteor as the point neatly slipped between the fur covering the space between the druid's eyes.

...And crumpled, and shattered. Even as it was happening, WBK goggled at the sight. Where once had been a cat was now an enormous bear, his hide harder than any metal that WBK had ever seen.

The momentum behind WBK's lighting-fast movement propelled him unerringly into the bear druid, where he hit the adamantite-hard skin like a sports car meeting an iron wall -- with a spongey, sickening crushing noise. The druid didn't even blink.

Then the druid found a nice, hard stump to scrape the monk off onto. He shifted into his el-- his NATURAL form and took a stand at the top of the hill, where he began to lick himself.

He suddenly stopped, looking flustered and embarrassed, and straightened up. "By Nashor, father of feral druids, by Malfurion, Most Blessed of Elune, and in the name of Elune, I claim l'Laniye ki Niyal for the Cenarion Circle! I am ARCH DRUID OF THE HILL!!!"


Then he took a nap.
 
"Too easy," Lazarus thought, slipping through the last tangle of grass toward the sleeping elf on the hill.

He pulled out his dagger and crept forward.

Unfortunately, he knew nothing about Mr. Forgiven's cat sensory perception.(Have you ever tried sneaking up on a sleeping cat?)

As Lazarus raised the dagger, his foe disappeared, leaving nothing there but a huge boa constrictor.

"Wha - "
It slithered sideways and threw three coils around Lazarus' chest, squeezing hard.
"Aagh!" Lazarus gasped, his breath coming in short bursts. He stabbed at the coils with his dagger, inflicting several deep wounds, but still the snake hung on.

Lazarus raised his knife again and then blinked - frozen. The boa constrictor had it's face inches away from him. The blood-red tongue flicked in and out.

"No - no!" Lazarus exclaimed - his gaze inexorably pulled toward the snake's eyes. Once caught in their gleam, he would be hypnotized, and easy prey.

Pulling his face away with effort, Lazarus jerked his arm out of the way as the snake's tail lashed at it and stabbed for the snake's eye with all his might.

The mortal wound caused Mr. Forgiven to resume his elfin form - albeit with a bloody slice across his face.

"Begone, druid!" Lazarus cried, flipping him onto his shoulders and heaving him over the side of the hill.

In his confused state, Mr. Forgiven accidentally changed into a large sow and rolled down the hill, squealing loudly at every bump.

Lazarus stood up, breathing heavily.
"I'M KING OF THE HILL!"

He grabbed Pancho and Villa.
"Wake up, you bums. And put some real bullets in your guns - not those rubber ones!"
 
"My avatars have built an A&W Root Beer factory," said WBK slyly.
Click to expand...

Fixed
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I groaned and rolled back up the hill on my now-bulbous stomach. I belched, and WBK, along with his "avatars" were blown off the hill.
"HA! THE COLTS WON!" I cried. WBK's avatars keeled over, unconscious, and WBK fainted.
 
Lazarus stretched himself and grinned. Lycantropic Psychosis -- it was no wonder that they called it "Feralsbane." The druid hadn't even stood a chance. Napping on the Hill? Hillarious!

Turning around, he spied something moving through the bushes that ringed the hill. Squinting carefully, he saw what it was: a young child, a girl.

He groaned. Children should not be allowed out of their parent's sight, he told himself, particularly this close to this part of the world. He walked to the base of the Hill -- making sure to keep a foot on it of course, he was no fool -- and called to the child.

"Hey, kid-- it's dangerous here for children. It's even dangerous for adults. Run along home now like a good little girl."

She looked at him innocently. She was small for her age, that was for sure. Her long brown hair was done up in ponytails and she wore a small dress made of a smooth, silky material.

And she was gorgeous.

Stunning. Brilliant. Lazarus stared at her for many seconds, his mouth hanging open. He couldn't believe how attractive she was at the moment.

For crying out loud! She's a CHILD!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??! Lazarus could hear his own voice echo though his mind, but he could not stop himself from standing transfixed, looking at the girl.

Her perfect lips, her angelic smile, her smooth skin, her aged eyes...

...AGED EYES??

Suddenly Lazarus snapped out of the trance. "Pancho! Villa!!" he roared, his voice husky from the effort of will. "Lay down a suppression fire, you bums!!!"

Machine gun fire lit up the hillside. The girl hardly blinked, but the bullets had their intended effect. Laying on the grass in a pool of black ichor not a dozen paces from Lazarus lay a creature that looked like a cruel, tasteless parody of a beautiful woman. Succubus, shuddered Lazarus. A daemon of seduction. The girl was a witch, a warlock!

*Edit: for the sake of clarification, she's a gnome, and she's in her late thirties.*

Suddenly all of his nerve endings opened up in pain, slowly at first, but then intensifying until even the carress of wind became a red-hot iron. Lazarus opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was senseless noise, a horrid blasphemy of speach. He felt weak, and all of his senses began to fail him. Soon he felt like his body had died, but that, for some reason, he had not. He stood in horrid fixation, looking at his body as it convulsed beside him. Then, without moving, he slowly found himself sliding towards the girl, into the pink jewel that she held in her hand.


Evilhugpower carefully placed the jewel into the bag on her belt. He was a brave man and true, and also a strong warrior, and so she would not which to lose this jewel or carelessly destroy it in order to craft a spell.

EHP was a "reformed" warlock, who wished not to use her powers unwisely, but she was a bondservant to the druid, Neirai. Taking a blue jewel out of her sack -- crafted from the spirit of a mindless bird, not a thinking being -- she pressed it to the body of the sow. Soon the body of the druid took on a blue light, and the pig opened his/her eyes.

"Oink oink oi---" the druid suddenly disappeared, replaced with an elf. Embarrassment could be seen on his swarthy face. He coughed. "I AM THE KING OF THE HILL!"

Evilhugpower snorted to herself. If he had not saved her life countless times before, she might have been tempted to strike him down just to prove that no man could handle this sort of power.
 
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C$, the idea is to knock the current king off the hill, not the person who knocked you off. If you remember, I was removed a while ago. Therefore, Laz is still current KotH.
 
[toj.cc]WildBillKickoff;205990 said:
C$, the idea is to knock the current king off the hill, not the person who knocked you off. If you remember, I was removed a while ago. Therefore, Laz is still current KotH.
Click to expand...

I was posting at the same time as everyone else and my post got stuck in the wrong spot.
 
I wonder, am I allowed to try to regain the "King of the Hill" title if I'm trapped inside Evilhugpower's pink jewel?

Btw - oh, the indignity - the shame! Captured by a girl - and imprisoned inside a pink jewel! I'm a laughingstock! :(
 
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