Forgiveness

[Durruck]

This is a cross-post from my guild's website. I've modified it from it's original format to fit this screen, as well as providing specific Biblical references for things I've stated. Here it goes:



Forgiveness. It's the core element of who we are. As members of a Christian guild, we understand where we are, where we come from, where we're going. We understand that it is only through God's pure and perfect love for us that he sent his son to take the fall for our sins. Jesus hung on a cross so that we could be forgiven.

God tells us in the Bible that we are set free from our transgressions through a relationship with Jesus. We must confess our sins, and they are forgiven - 1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from unrighteousness." How simple. How beautiful. God also told us in the Bible that we need to be more Christ-like. What does that mean? That's not quite so simple. We know that we can never measure up to the pure goodness that He is, but we should strive to do the things that He did.

In the parable of the lost sheep (Matthew 18:12-14 and Luke 15:4-7), Jesus tells us that we should step out to the lost and try to bring them home.

In the Lamp on a Stand (Lamp under a bowl, etc, in Matthew 5:14-16, Mark 4:21-22, Luke 8:16), we're told to not hide the Light under our beds, but put the Light out for all to see. Shows others the love that Jesus has shown to you.

In the parable of the lost (prodigal) son (Luke 15:11-32), the son that leaves is welcomed home and given a huge party, his wrongs forgotten by his father.

On and on in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke, we're given standards to live by. And these aren't the only things we have to worry about. Jesus tell us that we have to follow the spirit of the law, not just the written laws. Jesus called out the Pharisees for being ritualistic. They were only doing exactly what the law said, but they weren't doing what the law intended.

So that brings me to my point. God bestows His forgiveness upon us after we admit our wrongdoings and ask Him to forgive us. It's part of the Lord's Prayer. In Luke 11:2-4, the Lord's Prayer. In part, "forgive us our sins, as we also forgive everyone who sins against us." So here, we're given the law, as well as numerous accounts of how to follow through.

So often, we're hurt by others. Family, friends, co-workers, random strangers. We're all humans caught up in our busy lives, trying to make it through another day. Every moment, we are faced with choice after choice. We make most of them subconsciously, never giving a fraction of a moment to think about the consequences or how it will effect others. I know I'm just as guilty as the next person.

The important point here is two-fold. First, we need to seek forgiveness from those we've wronged. It's hard to say "I'm sorry", but it's a huge step in our walk with God. Again, from 1 John 1:9 - we have to confess our sins to be forgiven.

Secondly, we need to let go. Job 11:6 even mentions, "Know this: God has even forgotten some of your sin." Obviously God, being all-knowing, doesn't actually forget what you've done, but God has chosen to ignore it. He has chosen to not hold your sins against you. Jesus, while hanging on the cross, even asks God to overlook our sins. In Luke 23:34, we read, "Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Jesus is asking that the sins of those who are murdering him not be held against him. That's right, Jesus asks forgiveness for murderers, too.

"forgive us our sins, as we also forgive everyone who sins against us." That doesn't say "eh, I'll say it's alright, but hold a grudge and use it as fodder for retaliation" or "ignore their apology and go on hating the person for what they've done". It says forgive. If someone wrongs you and makes an honest, sincere apology, Jesus said we have to take it, honor it, and move on. Let it go.

How do you let it go? Well first, you have to decide to do it. Yes, it really is a choice. Just as believing that you are really reading God's word in the Bible or hearing his voice in your head, deciding that God has inspired you (or others) to say something, to do something... it's all a choice. That's what is so awesome about free will. Awesome, but difficult to understand and follow through with. Re-read the part about Job 11:6, if you need an example.

Secondly, Satan doesn't want you to forgive and forget. Satan wants you to stew on it, to hate, to conspire, to retaliate. So every chance he gets, he's going to interject hurtful memories into your conscious. You have a choice - let Satan influence your decision, or let Jesus' words be your light and turn the other cheek.

So, does that mean that it will get easier to do the more you practice? Yes. It is said, "time heals wounds," but I honestly believe that to be a mistake. Practicing forgiveness heals wounds. My supervisor wronged me a few years ago. He lied, he tried to cover his mistake, he tried to blame-shift. But he didn't take responsibility for his decisions. I was furious. I was filled with such an anger that I didn't know how to control. I wanted him fired, I wanted him to suffer the same ailments that he potentially inflicted upon me, I wanted his life ruined. (Some people say that they wanted him dead. I don't know that I truly wanted that).

After three months of administrative leave, he returned to duty. He sat down with all of us in a big meeting and stood up, apologized, and took full responsibility for his actions. Did I let it go? Sadly, I did not. I was blinded by the hated that had taken hold of my heart that I couldn't find it in my heart to forgive him. After a lot of reading my Bible, talking to people, and honestly working very hard to restore a good working relationship, I can say that I've forgiven him. Many of my co-workers haven't been able to do the same. They still hold on to that hatred, that anger. They refuse to move on and try to restore a working relationship with our supervisor. What does the Bible tell us about this situation? We see in Luke 17:3, "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. 4If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him." He came back, said he was sorry, and has tried to move on. We are called to do the same. Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. B kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Choose to let it go.

Satan still tries to tempt me with painful memories of that time, but I'm able to look past that with the help of Jesus' love. It's been a few years since that all took place, but when I extend the power of love and forgiveness onto others that Jesus has given to me, it makes it so easy.

What other decision could I possibly make? None. With time, practice, prayer, and love, I suspect you'll find the same.

 

[Avesther]

Looking back at your experience...how would it differ if after said three month sabatical he didn't fess up to his part in the dealings?

Could you:
- Forgive him. If so would it have been easier, harder
- Work with him.
- Work under him.

Do you think it is easier to forgive somebody of their wrong doings if they agree that they had indeed done something wrong?

 

[Durruck]

I do believe that a person confessing their sins, and asking forgiveness is a required part of the process.

We see in Luke 17:3, "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. 4If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."

However, I can choose to continue working with/for/under someone, even if they don't admit any wrongdoing... it just makes forgiveness difficult. If you take the Bible literally, there's no need to forgive - but holding a grudge doesn't accomplish anything. Just move on.

But without his admittance of wrongdoing, could I:

Work for/under him? For those first three months, working under him wasn't a problem. He was relieved of duty during the investigation and punitive processes. Had he not been placed off of work... yes, I still could have. I don't have any other choices really. He is my division head in a small-city government. My only option would be to quit and be unemployed. Not feasible with responsibilities.

Could I forgive him without his admittance? Then... probably. Now... definitely. I understand more of his position and what drives him. He makes bad choices, but he usually it's because he doesn't think things through. It's hard to stay mad at someone that really is trying to do good, but just clumsy and doesn't know enough to make good decisions.

 

[Avesther]

I do believe that a person confessing their sins, and asking forgiveness is a required part of the process.

This is interesting. So in general, if a person does not admit that they have done something wrong, then is there anything to forgive?

I remember reading that sometimes that you can not just confront a person who has wronged you because they don't even realize they have wronged you, and confronting them will have the adverse affect. And in these situations, it is better to go before God, and forgive the wrongs that the other person has done against you. I suppose where God would take it after that is where he would take it.

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to make conversation, I'm not trying to get on anybodies case, or set them up on the defensive. I guess I'm good at doing that.

 

[Durruck]

No, you're fine I enjoy the discussion - it helps me learn and grow. It challenges me to really think about and decide why I believe what I believe.

Initially, your point seemed valid to me. However, if someone wrongs you and is not aware, if you never say anything to them (even if it is a "hey, I'm not mad, but please don't do this again"), they're likely to repeat the pattern. Again and again, this person is going to keep doing wrong to you, without remorse or second thought. Not because that person is mean, rude, or cruel, but from a differences in acceptable behavior between the two of you.

Can that be forgiven? Sure. But if time and time again, someone is wronging you and you say nothing, it's just as much your fault for not confronting the person about their behavior. We're called to forgive, treat each other well, etc, but we also have a responsibility to each other to make sure that each of us are living right. There is a section in the Bible... "If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out", and later, if your habits cause your brother to stumble, then don't do it. I think we can take this a step further though. If your silence is causing your brother to stumble... don't be silent! (If you'd like cited references, let me know. I just don't know the exact verse off the top of my head)

I know this delves dangerously close to the "take the plank from your own eye, then take the speck from your brother's eye", but I think that we can approach others in a non-aggressive manner that still allows for behavioral change without being hypocritical. If you don't say something to the person, you're just as bad as they are

But back to your question - is confession required to forgive? I still think so. But I'm willing to listen and think about it, too.

 

[Avesther]

Ok Durruck, something to think about:

You are in an abusive relationship, but this is normal for you. You come from an abusive home, everybody in your family abused spouses, children, alcohol and drugs. There are families like this. One day, a friend talks to you and over the course of months you find Jesus and you accept him as your savior. On this day also, you realize that the relationship you are in is not right. You also know that confronting your spouse about his\her constant beatings is not right will result in more then another beating, rather, you'll be at the morge visiting your children, maybe you'll even join them. So confrontation is not an option. Neither is staying in the relationship, so you find a home in another city in another state and you leave.

You know that you want to move on and teach your children what they went through is not normal and not right. But you want to teach them not to hate the person and to get over it. The best way to clear your own path is to forgive the tresspasser so that you can move on. How do you go about doing that?

 

[Durruck]

Hm. I think there is a subtle difference between forgiving and just moving on. As above:

We see in Luke 17:3, "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. 4If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him." He came back, said he was sorry, and has tried to move on. We are called to do the same.

Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Choose to let it go.

I don't think that we're called to forgive the unrepenting. If so, why would God hold Himself to a different standard than He holds us? On judgement day, the worst of the unrepenting sinners in the world shows up... will God not turn him away? Luke 17:3 tells us to rebuke the one that sins against us.

But just because someone sins against us doesn't mean we have to hold a grudge. We can move on with our lives. We can let go of the anger. Anger, hated, ill-will are against what God wants us to do, so holding on to those feelings does hinder our relationship with God. I understand that. We can let go of our frustrations with those who sin against us but do not repent because we know that some day, the Lord will determine what needs to be done with that person.

A fine line, but still a line, nonetheless.

As for the abuse portion of your example, I must be careful with my words as my intent is not to offend anyone that has been in that kind of a situation... but... how can you not know that beating someone is unacceptable? I saw it in my family, but I've *always* known that it is wrong. To hit, kick, bite, scratch, beat someone until they're broken on the floor, then kick them again... how can anyone watch and not say it's wrong?

Don't get me wrong, I got whipped a time or two when I was a kid, and I'm all the better for it. It taught me that there are consequences to my actions. But there is a line that you can't cross... and blind rage that limits your ability to know when "enough is enough" is completely unacceptable. This brings me back to my point in the last post - at some point, someone should have said something along the way to let the abuser know it's wrong. If for all these years everyone has been standing back and not intervening, they're just as guilty of the child/spousal abuse as the abuser. Anyone along the way can help to break the cycle. The first time the abuser hits the abusee, the abusee needs to stand up for themselves. If the abuser doesn't stop the pattern, it's not a relationship worth pursuing.

I guarantee that if my spouse was beating me, I'd leave. I wouldn't go on to parent children that are going to become victims of abuse, too.

 

[notashamed]

There is a difference between forgiveness & reconciliation. We can forgive without anyone asking us to. That is our choice. We can not be reconciled to them though unless both partys come together. Forgiveness gives us the ability to move on. It does not necesarily fix the relationship-that's reconciliation.

 

[DahcsLion]

Hi. I can add some things to this thread that will benefit anyone struggling with forgiveness and bitterness. I myself struggled with this for years and eventually paid a very heavy price for harboring bitterness and not forgiving those who had hurt me or done me wrong in some way.

One thing we should state is that all sin (bitterness is sin) comes from one or more of three places:

1Jo 2:16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.

Bitterness and unforgiveness are the products of pride and I'll explain that statement in simple terms. Pride is the thing that says, "who is he to do this to me?". It is the thing that makes us believe that somehow we either didn't deserve what was done to us or that somehow we are so good, that we were targeted, therefore, that makes the offender, bad. Our flesh loves to justify and elevate itself above all others. Everyone carries this flesh with them and it's qualities are always the same. It is sexually immoral, it is greedy and it is boastful. It loves it's works because it loves itself. It is corrupt and cannot be repaired. When Jesus said "deny your flesh and follow me", this is exactly what He was talking about. He never said to pray that you act right naturally because that can never happen. You may have never said to yourself, "They had no right!", but since your flesh is selfish, this is how it will process every single offense commited against you. If you re-arrange the letters of "selfish" you easily get "is flesh" out of it. lol. Interesting.

So, with the scripture above, to understand this more clearly, we should look at what the writer of Hebrews says about it:

Heb 12:14 Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord.
Heb 12:15 See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled;

We see here that bitterness is described as a root. Ever go outside and notice that certain plants do better in certain types of soil? That's how trees work. Some trees are more suited to different types of soil than others. In a field of pride, a bitter root will do very well, but in soil void of the flesh, a bitter root cannot survive. The scripture also points out, that if this bitter root is allowed to spring up among us (plural), it will defile many. Have you ever walked into a room full of happy people? If you spend any amount of time there, you yourself will come out happy. Why do you suppose that is? It's because Joy is a spirit. The book of proverbs is very explicite in it's instructions to guard our eyes and our ears. This is because our eyes and ears are the two main avenues in which spirits travel. In the same way that you would leave happy people happy, you will also leave bitter people bitter. If you yourself are bitter, you will show it in your words and actions and you will defile others by it. This cannot be avoided, it is a fact and a spiritual law. You will cause others to have to battle the thing that you started in their presence. Since the root is not in them, they will overcome it easily. You, on the other hand, will not. The root still exists within you.

There are two ways to destroy a root of bitterness. The first is the best way, and that is to stay in prayer for God to amend the soil that the root is in. This means gaining the ability to put the flesh to death and the pride along with it. My warning to anyone who says to themselves, "I want to go the best way", is that having the pride put down is not an easy, painfree experience. As a matter of fact, it can be quite stressful and is normally crisis oriented. It most often consists of many people mounting up against you. People begin to make up lies about you, steal from you, cheat you and try to destroy you. Over time, the continual attacks break the back of the pride and it can longer stand in your life. It will no longer be suitable for these trees to grow in. This is what happened to me. It is noteworthy at this point to let you know that not a single one of these people ever came to me and confessed that what they did to me was wrong, asked my forginess or even apologised. Wether or not someone apologised or asked your foginess has no bearing on sin in your life. The commandment is to forgive, as God, through Jesus, has forgiven you. (Eph 4)

The second way to destroy a root of bitterness is through inner healing. Many people carry things with them for years and years. Most of the time this was a situation that had it's beginnings before the age of 8. It could be one or more things, most of which are abuses, wether it be physical, mental or sexual. We must see, that with these three types of abuse, we have this number three coming up again. On examination of these things we see that. Mental abuse stems from pride. The offender has tendancies that are rooted in pride and belittles others to feed this thing. It is normally those he perceives as weaker than him/herself because the spirits within him know that this is an easy mark. Physical abuse normally stems from the lust of the eyes. A person perceives that another has invaded their "domain" and seeks to take what is their's, wether it be physical or based on the perceived authority of the offender. This is the case most often in cases where children are disobedient, and the punishment goes way overboard and turns out to be very extreme. Sexual abuse is obviously based on the lust of the flesh. Every sexual perversion is based on this. Normally the sexual abuse of a child is caused when one allows the perversions to enter his life through viewable or readable material (eyes and ears) and has no other way to exercise them. Back to the "inner healing" thing... Inner healing can occur at the request of those in need of it or by God's decree. If the sufferer has been put into bondage, many times, this bondage interferes with that person's calling and must be removed for the child of God to work the works that he was given beforehand. This is extremely important because we ALL have works to do that were predetermined by God. All of God's work on this earth will serve to glorify His Name and therefore by extension, build and edify His church, The Body of Christ.

These are some insights that I have received as God lead me through many hardships, faithfull when I wasn't, unforgetting when I forgot and loving me when I didn't love Him. I hope that these things are able to help others who may run across this post. God bless you.

Mat 3:9 and do not suppose that you can say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham for our father'; for I say to you that from these stones God is able to raise up children to Abraham.
Mat 3:10 "The axe is already laid at the root of the trees; therefore every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.
Mat 3:11 "As for me, I baptize you with water for repentance, but He who is coming after me is mightier than I, and I am not fit to remove His sandals; He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.
Mat 3:12 "His winnowing fork is in His hand, and He will thoroughly clear His threshing floor; and He will gather His wheat into the barn, but He will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire."

This is a picture of how God was dealing with the old, perverse generation that had corrupted God's Word and caused many to stumble but, it is the best way to explain and inner healing. Jesus is the axe that can destroy the root. Let that offense be cast inot the fire. You don't need it anymore.